There was a lady sitting on a bench when an old man came over to sit down.
He moved over to her side and said "Do you believe in the hereafter?"
She said "Yes".
Then he replied, "Then you know what I’m hereafter."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Sometimes I get stuck in the future. Just a few minutes ago I was thinking of how 120 years ago was 1905.
Reddit is like a dad at a kids birthday party, I’m watching everyone else have fun and not really understanding what's going on.
If deaf children fail to develop language after not being able to hear early in life, I wonder what abilities humans don't have because we haven't been exposed to them in infancy.
Someone, somewhere, is boycotting a product because it has they heard it has Dihydrogen Monoxide in it.
Men have sex with who they can and woman with who they want, but men marry who they want and woman marry who they can.
Asexual organisms can literally go fuck themselves.
Rich, young princes of Arab royal families are like thousands of Muslim Justin Biebers with diplomatic immunity.
Why the hell is there a sofa and a lamp in front of a fountain outdoors in the Friends theme song.
Every valuable and expensive new item that you own will eventually be some crap at a thrift store that nobody wants to buy.
I wonder how much interesting shit we've missed before the era of camera phones.
Spoons Are Small Bowls On A Stick.
Underwear are kind of like socks for your butt.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
Fort Hood Achieves Record-High 1½ Star Yelp Score
FORT HOOD, Texas — Leaders at the Fort Hood military base in Texas are hailing the 50 percent improvement to their Yelp page that has brought their rating up to 1½ stars, sources confirmed this morning.
“They’ve really turned this place around,” said Spc. Tara Stevens, admitting she recently amended her Yelp review of the base to 3-stars from an initial assessment of 1-star. “I work for the Base Services Group and we’re getting a lot fewer work orders to clean up fluid and bullet holes in ceilings.”
Single star ratings are typically reserved for restaurants from which every customer gets diarrhea, beauty salons that cater exclusively to street prostitutes, or martial arts studios that molest their younger clients, according to sources at Yelp. But ‘The Great Place,’ as it is referred to by general staff and a handful of billboards, is finally living up to its name.
“Yeah, I gave Fort Hood a pretty good review, I think. They said I could have my stapler back if I gave it a good review. But I didn’t get it back. And then they took away my computer so I can’t change it,” Sgt. Adam Norris, a soldier who’s been posted at Ft. Hood for the entirety of his 13-year career with the Army, told reporters.
“Cutting off the internet to North Ft. Hood [a deployment mobilization center] has really helped,” Command Sgt. Maj Patrick Williams explained. “We had an infantry battalion there for 63 days getting trained up for Afghanistan by truck drivers from First Army. That almost knocked us back down to 1 star. Fortunately, a lot of the reviews were removed due to Yelp’s rules on obscenity and hate speech.”
“I don’t know what isn’t to love,” Williams continued. “There have been a lot fewer murders in Killeen. And we have a Chile’s now.”
Sources confirmed a series of mandatory Change of Yelp Review Ceremonies have been scheduled by leadership across the post to commemorate the occasion.
Issue of the Times;
If Black Lives Matter, Blacks Need To Stop Killing Each Other
The biggest violent threat to African-American communities is
neither the “white” police (for example, the Baltimore officer
allegedly most responsible for Freddie Gray’s death was black)
nor white people in general. It is blacks themselves. Of all the
blacks killed in the United States over the last 35 years, only a
fraction have been killed by law enforcement and a small minority
by the broader white population.
The numbers may be “large” for these two categories of white-on-
black crime (America has 320 million inhabitants) but they are
spectacularly dwarfed by the rate at which blacks will shoot,
stab, and otherwise maim each other.
93% of murdered blacks between 1980 and 2008 were murdered by
fellow blacks. More recently, the proportion was 91%. Even
Politifact, which interprets “facts” according to a leftist
agenda, rated Rudy Giuliani’s referencing of the 1980-2008
statistics (when he criticized last year’s Ferguson riots) as
“Mostly True,” adding the very nitpicking technicality that
blacks mostly live amongst fellow blacks. This also suggests that
whites would be killed in greater numbers by blacks if
neighborhoods were more racially assimilated.
Or, in other words, people will kill each other in the context
they find themselves in, undermining, again, the mantra that a
purported white shooter and shot black (or the reverse) is always
a case of racist hate.
The tragic death of homeless man James Boyd over illegal camping
allegations received, surprisingly, some ample coverage by the
media. It still accounted for very little compared to Eric
Garner’s death. The reason? Race.
The white-on-black crime hysteria has much in common with the
vitriol surrounding feminism and alleged crimes against women.
Tears may flow from families but outrage is thoroughly muted,
especially from the likes of the NAACP, when a black child is
murdered in an area like South Central Chicago.
Why? Because the probable offender is almost guaranteed to be
black, like the victim. That hypothetical black child (actually
far from hypothetical if you watch the news) lying dead on the
streets of urban Illinois is afforded not even an iota of the
attention given to a Michael Brown, whose shooting death, albeit
heart-wrenching for his relatives, was reported by many black
witnesses as being a case of Officer Darren Wilson acting in
I personally regard the death of African-American Eric Garner in
New York as a police homicide. The facts are different in kind
from those surrounding Michael Brown. Garner may well have been
behaving illegally but the response from law enforcement was
excessive and, in the end, fatal. That said, it is very selective
to highlight Garner’s death at the expense of deaths like that of
I chose Boyd, who was white and homeless, because his plight,
dying at the hands of Albuquerque police, did receive some wide
media attention. It simply paled in comparison, however, to that
provided to Garner, which cannot simply be explained by the video
recording of Garner’s gruesome suffocation or the fact that
police involved with Boyd’s shooting have been put on trial.
Both were accused of “minor” crimes at the times of their deaths,
with Boyd allegedly camping illegally due to his homelessness and
Garner supposedly selling untaxed cigarettes.
Based on the media and popular airing of the story we can safely
say Boyd is a victim, but only at the bottom of a victim’s
monument, whereas Garner is at the apex. Why? And God help your
regular black-on-white, white-on-white or black-on-black homicide
victim, who might be extremely fortunate to make the six o’clock
When will the “Black Lives Matter” movement go after black
shooters and not Bernie Sanders?
It is conceivable that within the next ten years or so, SJWs will
start to continually and explicitly blame whites for every
trigger pulled by an African-American on another African-
American. Right now, this allocation of direct responsibility to
Caucasians is more implicit, brought up in conversations about
slavery, Jim Crow and a twisting of the original civil rights
movement (the actual civil rights of the 1960s, not the
opportunism of a Sharpton or Jackson today).
Other mechanisms for apportioning blame includes “white
privilege,” which tendentiously groups together the likes of
affluent Mitt Romney and Donald Trump with greatly impoverished
Scots-Irish white Americans in two of America’s poorest states,
Mississippi and Alabama.
Meanwhile, aside from the occasional (excellent) Samuel L.
Jackson video, which doesn’t even mention African-Americans
specifically, few are interested in perceiving black people, most
notably young black men, as free agents, whatever influences may
be around them.
The convenient segue is to focus on the less than 1% of black
deaths caused by police, which includes a great many instances of
self-defense and needing to protect the public. When the “hate
the police” narrative temporarily runs out of steam, one can
always confront Bernie Sanders, the “Black Lives Matter”
movement’s lackey, and accuse him of some sort of thoughtcrime
for “not doing things right.”
Will those really interested in black lives please stand up?
“Gangsta” rap’s glorification of violence has probably killed
many times more people than all police shootings, justified and
You do not cure cancer that has metastasized throughout most of
the body by treating, say, only one’s left hand. So if the rate
of black deaths is an issue without any equivalent, which is
already doubtful when other racial deaths are being calculatedly
quarantined from the underlying discussion, a holistic approach
to combating violence is what will matter and pay dividends. A
politicized method designed to please a Rachel Dolezal or Louis
Farrakhan only serves to divide, antagonize, and hide the facts.
Beleaguered liberals like Bernie Sanders and ex-Maryland Governor
and Presidential candidate Martin O’Malley, who was booed for
saying “All Lives Matter”, suddenly sense that the putrid corn
syrup they and their leftwing colleagues have been feeding to the
African-American community and SJWs for years is now being
vomited up on them. For sanity’s sake, the only choice is to
confront the festering wound of black-on-black crime.
No parent, boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, child or friend
deserves to have their loved ones taking from them in a homicide.
Yet what a homicide is seems to change daily, according to the
wishes of those pursuing their own agendas. Worse still is how a
black death is only really considered a death by SJWs if a white
or the “system” is behind it.
The majority of black deaths are thus deemed irrelevant by the
same folks claiming black lives matter. How typical.
Quote of the Times;
“I know all about the despair of overcoming chronic temptation. It is not serious, provided self-offended petulance, annoyance at breaking records, impatience, etc., don’t get the upper hand. No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep picking ourselves up each time... The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give up.” - C.S. Lewis
Link of the Times;