My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
By then, it was too late.
In what’s being called a miraculous breakthrough, researchers at the University of Washington announced Monday a promising new treatment for the unfortunate male hairstyle known as a “man bun.”
The cure is reportedly comprised an inexpensive operation using a pair of shears, coupled with a psychiatric follow-up administered by a medical professional designed to help the victim come to the conclusion that they need to make better decisions about their life.
“In early clinical trials, our aggressive treatment plan has shown a nearly 98% success rate,” Dr. Ivan E. Orlov told reporters excitedly. “While a small number of patients later relapsed into gathering their unkempt, sometimes thinning hair into a malformed growth near the back of their head, the vast majority enjoyed sustained recovery and a happy post-man-bun life.”
According to Orlov, early experimental treatments like making fun of the subject, covering the deformed lump with a hat or beanie, and waiting for the patient to come to his senses proved ineffective.
“We found that the malicious growth had to be attacked from the root in order to see a marked recovery in the patient,” Orlov said.
University researchers are confident the treatment will be approved by the FDA in coming months, along with similar treatments for people who still wear fanny packs.
You aren’t actually afraid of being left alone in your house, or in the forest; You’re afraid that you AREN’T alone.
If phones warned that listening at a high volume may cause damage to headphones instead of hearing, more people would probably keep their volume lower.
Cops saying “if you lawyer up, you look guilty” is like saying ” if you wear your seatbelt, you look like your going to get in a car accident”
It’d be horrifying if babies could scream from inside the womb instead of just wiggle and kick.
Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can’t find any enemies.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly.
Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that’s entirely end credits.
Your future self is talking shit about you.
The first person who inhaled helium must have been so relieved when the effects wore off.
If race horses could comprehend that victory meant a lifetime of leisure and sex they’d probably run even faster.
If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty is over.
Sleeping in is considered lazy, but going to bed early is not.
You know you’ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.
When you introduce two different groups of friends to each other, it’s like your own life’s crossover episode.
The Coast Guard “a.k.a. Baby Navy” begins reselling seized cocaine amid government shutdown
SAN DIEGO — With the Coast Guard being the only branch of the military whose members may go without during the current government shutdown, the service has decided to resell the nearly $1 billion dollars worth of cocaine seized in the past six months to supplement pay for the 42,000 men and women on active duty.
With Coast Guardsman needing to pay mortgages, rent, food, and travel expenses, the service weighed various options to cover the services many costs, such as a GoFundMe campaign, mandatory intermittent fasting, bread-lines at military galleys, and turning the Coast Guard’s small boats into party boats and their cutters into cruise liners.
Officials said that since the Coast Guard was the only part of the military under the Department of Homeland Security, it left them as the only military service not being paid as other branches continued to receive funding during the shutdown. Nevertheless, those other services don’t have over 20 tons of pure uncut cocaine in storage to sell to the highest bidder, according to multiple sources.
Besides the federal drug sale, Navy Federal Credit Union has announced a relief program offering a zero-interest loan to qualified affected members, while USAA has offered a free sponsored coffee mug to use while members panhandle outside of all Coast Guard bases.
Least Likely Names for the New NHL Team in Seattle:
1. The Grande Double-Shot No Foam Soy Milk Lattes
2. The Not-the-Mariners
3. The Amazon Prime Free Shippers
4. The Frozen Sonics
5. Oh!, For Puck's Sakes
Quote of the Times;
"Huge corporations have displaced the blue-collar proletariat in the hearts of elites. Corporations embrace a progressive agenda that costs them nothing. In exchange, they get to maintain the economic status quo that has made them billions. The company's affluent customers get to imagine they're fighting the power by purchasing the products, even as they make a tiny group of people richer and more powerful." – Carlson
Link of the Times;
Issue of the Times;
Muslim Doctor Admits Deliberately Giving Jews the “Wrong Meds”; Media Ignores by Paul Watson
Imagine if the roles were reversed?
The mainstream media in America has completely ignored a bombshell story about a Muslim doctor in in Ohio who admitted to deliberately giving Jewish people the wrong medications.
27-year-old Lara Kollab was fired from her position as an Internal Medicine Resident at the Cleveland Clinic, Ohio, after tweets were uncovered in which she spread anti-Semitic hatred on Twitter for at least 6 years.
The tweets, collected by the Canary Mission website, include trivialization of the Holocaust, open support for terrorist groups and comparisons of Israel to Nazi Germany.
However, by far the most disturbing tweet was her response to another Twitter user when she remarked, “Hahha ewww..ill purposely give all the yahood the wrong meds.”
“Yahood” is a derogatory term that Muslims use to refer to Jews.
The only media outlet in the United States to pick up the story was the Hill. Outside of America, only RT and the Daily Mail have covered it so far.
Every major television news network and newspaper in the country has otherwise ignored it.
One wonders what the media reaction would have been if a right-wing Christian doctor had admitted to giving Muslims or black people the wrong medication – probably national outrage.
As for this story – it’s nothing but crickets.