Caught me running through town with a bag of money today.
Where were they 10 minutes earlier when someone was nicking my getaway car?
Wife: Wanna fool around tonight?
Me: I haven’t shaved, I'm really gassy and my hemorrhoids are killing me.
Wife: You could have just said “no.”
Me [already naked]: WHY WOULD I SAY NO?
Survivors of Icelandair Flight 198, which crashed somewhere deep in the Arctic tundra last week, lauded vegan survivor Michael Hagen’s unwillingness to sacrifice his principles, even in the face of certain death.
“Once we ran out of food from the plane, we crafted makeshift hunting and fishing tools, but unfortunately for Michael, there’s not much in the way of edible vegetation here and none of us have any real farming experience. We’ve subsisted mostly on native fish and rabbits we’ve managed to catch,” reported survivor Christine Conway, fishing with a handmade spear. “There’s almost no vegetation here, but he insists that he’s ‘fine’ with the little bit of grass he found under the snow. I keep begging him to make an exception until we’re rescued, and he just keeps telling us that eating meat is the number one cause of heart disease. I respect his conviction, but it’s just a matter of time before he succumbs to starvation.”
Despite pleas from other vegan and vegetarian survivors, who briefly suspended their own beliefs, Hagen dismissed their concerns and questioned their commitment to animal rights.
“Hypocrites, the whole lot of them,” a severely emaciated Hagen said, struggling to summon the strength to speak. “They’re probably just ‘fitness vegans’ anyway and don’t actually care about animals. Sure, the pains and frequent diarrhea are bothersome, but thanks to the hallucinations, I’m usually able to tune those out. In fact, one of the pigs those savages murdered just told me the other day to stay the course, and nature will eventually provide for me.”
While medical and survival experts questioned Hagen’s logic, he did receive praise from animal right’s organizations, including People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals [PETA].
“By allowing himself to slowly waste away, Mr. Hagen is admirably helping sustain the native animal population and reduce the ecological damage done by the plane crash,” stated PETA Head, Ingrid Newkirk. “Even in a situation where there is no way to survive by sustaining a vegan lifestyle, it is despicable that the other survivors have chosen to put their own needs ahead of those of our animal brethren. PETA is working to ensure that survivors receive vegan-friendly meals as soon as humanly possible.”
I was really excited after losing my virginity.
"But what do we do now?" I asked. "Kiss? Cuddle?"
"No, you fuck off back to your bunk," said my cellmate.
Apple are releasing their most dangerous gadget yet.
The device does what it wants, causes problems all around, and makes Americans shit themselves.
It's called iRan.
Quote of the Times;
Men cannot be made happy against their will. – Mises
Link of the Times;
Issue of the Times;
Tucker Carlson Zeroes in on the Left's 'Biggest Fear' by Leah Barkoukis
During his opening monologue on Thursday, Fox News’s Tucker Carlson excoriated the ongoing military occupation of Washington, D.C. and explained why it's still there and what has liberals so fearful.
While the left is admittedly scared of pretty much everything, he acknowledged, fear of "the other" has them most wound up now.
"When you're a liberal, the world is a very scary place, but there is one fear that rises above all other fears in the liberal mind: The fear of "the other." Like all primitive cultures, modern liberalism is tribal," he said. "Liberals understand most of the American continent as a mysterious dark space, like a medieval map populated by drooling Trump voters and violent illiterates with extra chromosomes.
"Liberals despise people like this, of course, and on some level, they know they're hated right back," he continued. "They worry that someday there will be a backlash against the people in charge, which, of course, is them. That's their biggest fear, a peasant revolt."
And so, D.C. looks like Baghdad's Green Zone, he said.
The left and right were fully prepared for another "insurrection" on March 4, but like a child fearful of the monster in the closet, the threat wasn't real.
"A lot of liberals were certain that March 4 was the day the right-wing revolution would finally begin. March 4, they believed, with something called 'QAnon Inauguration Day,'" he said, adding that they have no idea what that means and can guarantee the vast majority of Trump supporters don't either.
"They'd heard about it from Nancy Pelosi, who told her bodyguards to write up a report on the threat of QAnon Inauguration Day. So that's what they did. We never really learned any details, but members of Congress were not taking chances," Carlson continued. "Many of them fled the Capitol Thursday. House leaders rescheduled votes so that the rank-and-file legislators could escape with their lives, if not with their dignity."
What happened was predictable: nothing. More media showed up than anyone else.
This "credible threat" was just the latest in a series of lies to keep D.C. militarized, he argued, because the National Guard is there for political reasons more than anything else.
"This is very strange behavior for a democracy," Carlson pointed out. "In a democracy, leaders are supposed to rule with the consent of the governed. You would think that might have occurred to some people on Capitol Hill. If we're this afraid of American voters, maybe something's wrong. Maybe we're not doing a very good job. Maybe we ought to shut up for a second and listen to the complaints of the people whose lives we control. Maybe then we wouldn't need razor wire around the Capitol.
"Apparently, no one in Washington has thought of this," he added. "Instead, they've convinced themselves that the only Americans who have a problem with the way things are currently going must have been brainwashed by QAnon."
Meanwhile, as the left prepares itself for battle against imaginary threats, Americans are facing real ones on the streets.
"For all the concern over the safety of our elected leaders, there doesn't seem to be any concern for the safety of the people who elected them," he said. "Capitol Hill looks like the Green Zone in Baghdad, but the rest of the city looks like the area outside the Green Zone. Residential neighborhoods in Washington and in cities around the country haven't been this dangerous in years. Americans are dying in huge numbers from street crime, but no one in Congress cares. They're too busy spending tax dollars to shield themselves from the QAnon Shaman and his 70-year-old accomplices."
Maybe Democratic leaders will start caring if Americans blame QAnon for the crimes, he quipped.
News of the Times;