Service members currently deployed to Afghanistan were devastated when they learned that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage of congressmen had cancelled their planned visit this past weekend, sources confirmed today.
“It’s a shame,” Sgt. 1st Class Mark Klages said. “Morale has gotten get pretty low around here with the holidays being over, the awful weather, the ANA’s incompetence and our confusing strategy, but it would have helped a lot to be talked at by an old lady from San Francisco.”
Some service members seemed confused as to who the current House speaker actually is.
“Pelosi? Of course I’m upset she didn’t come,” Sgt. Frank Lauer said. “She’s the hot Puerto-Rican one right?”
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, I let the motel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6 AM!.... I complained. "What if I had a million dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk boldly replied, "if you had a million dollar deal to close, you'd probably not be staying at THIS motel!"
AL-RAQQAH, Syria — The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) today announced serious financial difficulties for the cripled caliphate. A spokesman for the apocalyptic death worshippers cited crippling costs associated with the Suicide Bomber Group Life Insurance (SBGLI) program.
“In retrospect, fifteen goats was probably too generous a benefit to pay out to survivors,” said Mohammad Anwar, a spokesman for ISIS.
The SBGLI program was implemented as part of a benefits package for ISIS militants, which also includes health insurance, annual leave, and a prayer rug allowance. The SBGLI program provides payouts to surviving beneficiaries of militants who blast themselves into pink mist amidst a crowd of infidels.
The payout is compounded for militants with multiple surviving wives, as each wife receives the full benefit instead of a fractional amount. The policy’s sustainability is a source of concern among senior ISIS leadership.
“I mean, each militant is already set to receive seventy-two virgins upon their glorious entrance into the afterlife,” said Anwar. “Do their five surviving wives really need a total of seventy-five goats among them? Is the prospect of their deceased husband deflowering seventy-two virgins for eternity not comfort enough?”
The costs of the SBGLI program have had a snowball effect, leading to an international goat shortage and skyrocketing prices. ISIS is currently hemorrhaging financial resources in order to meet payout requirements, and is proposing a reduction in benefits in order to maintain the program’s solvency.
“Perhaps two goats and three chickens,” offered Anwar.
The proposed reduction in benefits is not sitting well with ISIS militants. At press time many ISIS militants were seen prematurely blowing themselves up in protest, further aggravating an already collapsing situation.
A man is suing American Airlines after his pinkie was caught in an armrest. For the record, we do mean his little finger.
Stockton, California is the first U.S. city to try a basic income program, with everyone getting $500 a month. $500 a month, for doing absolutely nothing. Gee, I would feel so congressional!
A Missouri man convicted of illegally poaching hundreds of deer over the past several years has been ordered by a judge to watch the movie, "Bambi" once a month, as long as he stays in the county jail.
Canadian researchers are conducting tests on chickens to determine what makes chickens happy. Of course, the obvious question: Why?
Apparently, we must have found the cure for cancer.
Five-time Olympic gold medalist Missy Franklin is retiring at age 23. Yes, she’ll be hanging up whatever it is swimmers hang up.
My New Year’s health routine; just blend the following ingredients and serve as early in the morning as possible:
3 oz. of carrot juice,
3 oz. of prune juice,
2 oz. of Ex-Lax, (or any other laxative)
4 oz. of Vodka
A little bit of Rogaine,
A little bit of Viagra,
A whole bunch of Prozac.
It's also great for bosses and co-workers.
Bring a batch to work tomorrow!
Quote of the Times;
When elites were stationary in the same territory as their inferiors they had to consider their opinions, even if reluctantly. Now that they are globally mobile and can shift subject populations around they don’t care. - Nahr.
Link of the Times;
Issue of the Times;
Biden Accuses America of Racism at Racist Event by Daniel Greenfield
Joe "they gonna put y'all back in chains" Biden decided to celebrate the legacy of civil rights by spewing racist nonsense at an event put on by a hate group.
Former Vice President Joe Biden, speaking at a breakfast Monday morning in Washington honoring Martin Luther King Jr., said that white Americans need to acknowledge and admit the fact that systemic racism still exists and must be rooted out.
"The bottom line is we have a lot to root out, but most of all the systematic racism that most of us whites don't like to acknowledge even exists," Biden said at an event hosted by the Rev. Al Sharpton and the National Action Network. "We don't even consciously acknowledge it. But it's been built into every aspect of our system."
Joe would know.
His administration gave a black racist hate group a pass on voter intimidation. It encouraged and promoted race riots that trashed cities like Baltimore. It blatantly intervened in local investigations and politics for racial reasons.
But there's Biden lecturing "most of us whites" on racism at a hate group.
Five young Latino women were among the seven victims of a fire. They were in their late teens and early twenties. They were mothers and daughters. One had two young boys at home. She might have been watching them get married today. Another helped support her mother.
Sharpton had vowed, “We will not stand by and allow them to move this brother so that some white interloper can expand his business”. And he and his National Action Network were true to their word.
Last year, Obama spoke at the National Action Network. But back then, Sharpton’s lieutenant, Morris Powell, headed the Buy Black Committee with the National Action Network and chanted, “Don’t give the Jew a dime” outside Freddy’s Fashion Mart. Other protesters shouted, “Burn, Cracker, burn.”
Powell had escaped in the seventies from a mental hospital after he had attacked a police officer with a lead pipe while shouting, “I am going to kill you, pig.” In the eighties he had been on trial for breaking a Korean woman’s head during another protest.
And Powell defended the killer as “A Black Man who struggled for his people to be free.”
This is what Joe Biden is okay with. Just like his old boss was.
Imagine if MSNBC gave a TV show to a violent racist who led angry mobs against Jewish and Asian communities and businesses. Mobs that gathered outside a Jewish synagogue chanting "Heil Hitler" and "Death to the Jews."
But there can be no talk of Sharpton without discussing the trail of debris behind him. Yankel Rosenbaum, the University of Melbourne student, stabbed and beaten to death on President Street among the stately manors of what was once known as Doctor's Row, was the most famous victim of Sharpton's Crown Height Pogrom, but not the only one.
There was Anthony Graziosi, a white, bearded Italian electronics salesman wearing a dark suit, who was mistaken for a Jew, and died for it. Bracha Estrin, a Holocaust survivor, who saw the mobs chanting "Heil Hitler" and "Death to the Jews" and believing that history was about to repeat itself, jumped rather than fall into their hands.
Twenty years ago this August, a line of bodies was lowered into the ground. And Sharpton walked away with a higher national profile than ever. Three years later, another round of racist protests at Freddy's Fashion Mart with protesters screaming, "Burn down this Jew store!" led to an attack that killed seven minority employees.
This is the ugly racism that Joe Biden consorts with while lecturing Americans on how racist they are.