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Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.


A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"


A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay.

He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers stay there.

He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door.

His knock is answered by Gladys. "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him.

"Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he answers.

The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out there? Does he look decent?" they ask.

Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."

The other two heard-of-hearing spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is... let him in!"


A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The bartender says “What an interesting pet, what’s his name?”

“Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because…, He’s my newt.”


My son asked, “What are condoms for, Dad?”

I replied, “Ideally, conversations such as this.”

Quote of the Times;
Now, let’s compare the estrogen hormone in an impossible whopper to the whopper made from hormone implanted beef. The impossible whopper has 44 mg of estrogen and the whopper has 2.5 ng of estrogen. Now let me refresh your metric system. There are 1 million nanograms (ng) in one milligram (mg). That means an impossible whopper has 18 MILLION times as much estrogen as a regular whopper. Just six glasses of soy milk per day has enough estrogen to grow boobs on a male. That’s the equivalent of eating four impossible whoppers per day. You would have to eat 880 pounds of beef from an implanted steer to equal the amount of estrogen in one birth control pill.

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Issue of the Times;
Evidence That Conservative Students Really Do Self-Censor by Conor Friedersdorf

Is free speech imperiled on American college campuses?

I’ve argued before that campus speech is threatened from a dozen directions, citing scores of incidents that undermine the culture of free expression and dialogue needed to seek truth and learn.

The academic Jeffrey Adam Sachs has staked out a contrasting position at the Niskanen Center. A small number of anecdotes “have been permitted to set the terms of public debate,” he once wrote. He has also argued that “rather than collapsing into chaos, 2018 was a year of relative quiet on campuses. There were fewer deplatformings, fewer fired professors, and less violence compared to 2017. There was also more dialogue, greater respect for faculty free speech rights, and increased tolerance on both the right and the left.”

Sachs and I watched the same controversies unfold on various campuses and drew very different conclusions about their implications for campus life.

Now there’s new evidence in the debate.

Last spring, three professors at the University of North Carolina surveyed undergraduates to get a sense of the campus climate. Rather than focus on discrete controversies, such as the time in 2015 when UNC student protesters seized control of a room where a journalist was speaking, or the time in 2019 when a UNC student assaulted a sign-carrying anti-abortion activist, they sought to understand day-to-day undergraduate experiences. The results of the survey, distilled from more than 1,000 responses to email questionnaires, can’t be applied to every college in America, but the findings do illuminate what’s happening at a highly selective public institution in a swing state, where more than 20,000 undergraduates are enrolled.

The good news: In classes where politics comes up, large majorities of self-identified liberal and conservative students say that instructors encourage participation from both sides and want to learn from different perspectives, suggesting that concerns about faculty-indoctrination efforts are unfounded. Indeed, students reported that they worry less about censure from faculty than from peers.
That brings us to the bad news:

• While majorities favor more viewpoint diversity and free-speech norms, an intolerant faction of roughly a quarter of students believe it is okay to silence or suppress some widely held views that they deem wrong.

• Students across political perspectives engage in classroom self-censorship.

• Students harbor divisive stereotypes about classmates with different beliefs, and a substantial minority are not open to engaging socially with classmates who don’t share their views.

• Disparaging comments about political conservatives are common.

To measure student tolerance for views with which they disagree, the researchers chose matters of ongoing controversy on campus––the fate of a Confederate statue, affirmative action in admissions, immigration, health care, climate change, and whether Christian bakers should be compelled to make cakes for gay weddings against their will––and presented students with mainstream positions that a liberal or conservative classmate might hold. Respondents were asked to indicate which among those positions they found most objectionable.

Next they were asked: If confronted with an especially objectionable viewpoint, how appropriate would it be to take a series of actions, such as asking a tough question, publishing a dissent, or more extreme measures? An alarming 25.5 percent of survey respondents said it would be appropriate to “create an obstruction, such that a campus speaker endorsing this idea could not address an audience.” This authoritarian view was held by about 19 percent of self-identifying liberals, 3 percent of moderates, and 3 percent of conservatives. More than 3 percent of liberals and 1 percent of conservatives thought it would be appropriate to “yell profanity at a student” for endorsing the objectionable idea.

Also troubling were the undergraduates who reported having kept an opinion to themselves in the classroom, even though the opinion was related to the class, because they were worried about the potential consequences of expressing it. Almost 68 percent of conservatives censored themselves in this way, along with roughly 49 percent of moderates and 24 percent of liberals.

Expressing unpopular views “can reveal critical blind spots in prevailing thought patterns,” the authors of the report note, and even when a view is wrong, its refutation allows both parties “to better apprehend why the correct view must be true.” But “a substantial proportion of respondents fear social sanction, or even outright grading penalties, for sharing their views.” What’s more, almost a quarter of conservative students reported being more than slightly concerned that peers would file a complaint against them for speech related to a class they are in together.

Among students who self-identify as liberals, some 10 percent said they hear “disrespectful, inappropriate, or offensive comments” about foreign students at least several times a semester, 14 percent said they hear disparaging comments about Muslims, 20 percent said they hear such comments about African Americans, 20 percent said they hear such comments about Christians, 21 percent said they hear such comments about LGBTQ individuals, and 57 percent said they hear such comments about conservatives. Among moderates, 68 percent said that they hear “disrespectful, inappropriate, or offensive comments” about conservatives at least several times a semester.

Out conservatives may face social isolation. Roughly 92 percent of conservatives said they would be friends with a liberal, and just 3 percent said that they would not have a liberal friend. Among liberals, however, almost a quarter said they would not have a conservative friend. Would UNC be a better place without conservatives? About 22 percent of liberals said yes. Would it be a better place without liberals? Almost 15 percent of conservatives thought so.

“Self-identified conservative students do in fact face distinct challenges related to viewpoint expression at UNC,” the authors conclude. They urge “a conversation about how the campus can become more accepting of conservative students as well as more willing to hear and engage with conservative ideas.” After all, they ask, “who would dispute that universities should be places where each idea is considered on its own terms, and not prejudged? Where sincerely held conclusions can be offered up for vigorous and civil contestation? Where students are assumed to be arguing in good faith and where they feel valued and respected, even should they turn out to be wrong?”

As important, the authors correctly emphasize that “the wrong way to interpret our report would be to see it as pitting liberals against conservatives,” not only because many liberals and moderates harbor similar anxieties about sharing earnest views, but also because even though “political hostility emerges disproportionately from the political left at UNC,” that hostility comes from a minority, not a majority, of liberals. Tolerant students belong to a cross-ideological majority. While divided in their politics, both are ill-served by the minority faction of intolerant censors.

Self-censorship is among several significant reasons to believe that free speech remains under threat on American campuses, harming undergraduate education. I try to avoid talk of “crisis,” because I believe that free speech is perpetually threatened and requires constant vigilance to sustain. But however we label the status quo, America’s professors ought to be aware of these problems.

The UNC study’s authors warn that well-intentioned instructors:

could easily fail to perceive important free-expression issues that might not be immediately evident in their courses. Student concerns about expressing political views are quite prevalent, and a common coping mechanism is to withdraw and self-censor. Thus, a classroom silence that an instructor might perceive as tacit agreement (or perhaps lackadaisical indifference) might, at least for some students, actually come from apprehension about the consequences of expressing specific viewpoints.

Thus they counsel that UNC instructors should be more intentional and explicit about their approach to free expression, so that students unaware of faculty support for it are better informed. Perhaps UNC is somehow anomalous. But its size, its student profile, and my years of reporting on different campuses lead me to suspect that it is somewhat representative of the selective colleges whose students wield disproportionate influence across society after graduation.

Free-speech advocates have had success in recent years in making the case for free-speech norms, reforming speech codes, protecting events, and reducing the number of disinvited speakers. More studies can help these advocates identify which campuses are in particular need of their attention, and assist them in empowering tolerant students in their conflicts with intolerant classmates.

News of the Times;
It's ironic that Parasite won.

Because there was no host for the Oscars.


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


NEW HAVEN, CT - Yale University has been under intense criticism after the recent decision to stop teaching “Introduction to Art History: Renaissance to the Present” because of its focus on Western art - mainly by white males.

Many people have called Yale out, saying they “didn’t go far enough” and that dropping a measly freshman art survey class was “wimpy” and “weak”.

In response, Yale has decided to take a stunning and brave stand against white males by striking all medicine discovered by white males from its med school curriculum. This has been lauded as a much-needed stand for diversity at Yale, especially by current med students who will now have much more time to deal with the stress of med school by watching Netflix.

"Yes, many people will get sick and die because of this, but it will be worth it."; one professor said. "We will now only teach medicine discovered by brave, oppressed, trans people of color."

At publishing time, Harvard University had announced that the entire campus would be bulldozed over after faculty discovered the school was founded by privileged white males.


A group of businessmen sat down for a game of poker after work.

There was quite a lot of money involved, so everyone was a bit on edge.

As the cards were dealt, everyone was looking thoroughly at each other.

One of the businessmen called the hand and put his cards on the table.

The dealer of the group looked flabbergasted and uttered,

"Hey, hold on a minute, Luke here is cheating. He's not playing the cards I dealt him!"


Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a man.

Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Quote of the Times;
America has no permanent friends or enemies, only interests. – Kissinger

Link of the Times;

Issue of the Times;
Buttigieg’s War and ‘The Shortest Way Home’ by Greg Kelly and Katie Horgan

When Mayor Pete Buttigieg talks about his military service, his opponents fall silent, the media fall in love, and his political prospects soar. Veterans roll their eyes.

CNN’s Jake Tapper asked Mr. Buttigieg Sunday if President Trump “deserves some credit” for the strike that killed Iranian Maj. Gen. Qasem Soleimani. “No,” the candidate replied, “not until we know whether this was a good decision and how this decision was made.” He questioned whether “it was the right strategic move” and said his own judgment “is informed by the experience of having been on one of those planes headed into a war zone.”

But Mr. Buttigieg’s stint in the Navy isn’t as impressive as he makes it out to be. His 2019 memoir is called “Shortest Way Home,” an apt description of his military service. He entered the military through a little-used shortcut: direct commission in the reserves. The usual route to an officer’s commission includes four years at Annapolis or another military academy or months of intense training at Officer Candidate School. ROTC programs send prospective officers to far-flung summer training programs and require military drills during the academic year. Mr. Buttigieg skipped all that—no obstacle courses, no weapons training, no evaluation of his ability or willingness to lead. Paperwork, a health exam and a background check were all it took to make him a naval officer.

He writes that his reserve service “will always be one of the highlights of my life, but the price of admission was an ongoing flow of administrativia.” That’s not how it’s supposed to work. The paperwork isn’t the price of admission but the start of a long, grueling test.

Combat veterans have grumbled for decades about the direct-commission route. The politically connected and other luminaries who receive immediate commissions are disparaged as “pomeranian princes.” Former Trump chief of staff Reince Priebus became a Naval Reserve officer in 2018 at age 46. Hunter Biden, son of the former vice president, accepted a direct commission but was discharged after one month of service for failing a drug test.

Mr. Buttigieg was assigned to a comfortable corner of military life, the Naval Station in Great Lakes, Ill. Paperwork and light exercise were the order of the day. “Working eight-hour days,” he writes, was “a relaxing contrast from my day job, and spending time with sailors from all walks of civilian life, was a healthy antidote to the all absorbing work I had in South Bend.” He calls it “a forced, but welcome, change of pace from the constant activity of being mayor.”

During a November debate, Mr. Buttigieg proclaimed: “I have the experience of being commanded into a war zone by an American president.” The reality isn’t so grandiose. In 2013, he writes, he “made sure my chain of command knew that I would rather go sooner than later, and would rather go to Afghanistan than anywhere else.”

Arriving there, he “felt a sense of purpose, maybe even idealism, that can only be compared to the feeling of starting on a political campaign. I thought back to 2004 and John Kerry’s presidential run, and then remembered that it was during the campaign that I saw the iconic footage of his testimony as the spokesman for Vietnam Veterans against the War.”

The comparison is telling. Mr. Buttigieg has just started his time in a war he says he’s idealistic about, but he daydreams about John Kerry protesting Vietnam after he got back. Many veterans detest Mr. Kerry’s “iconic” 1971 testimony, in which he slandered American servicemen. But it did launch a decades long political career.

Mr. Buttigieg spent some five months in Afghanistan, where he writes that he remained less busy than he’d been at City Hall, with “more time for reflection and reading than I was used to back home.” He writes that he would take “a laptop and a cigar up to the roof at midnight to pick up a Wi-Fi signal and patch via Skype into a staff meeting at home.” The closest he came to combat was ferrying other staffers around in an SUV: In his campaign kickoff speech last April he referred to “119 trips I took outside the wire, driving or guarding a vehicle.” That’s a strange thing to count. Combat sorties in an F-18 are carefully logged. Driving a car isn’t.

After the welcome-home rally, glowing press, a few more years of light service, the mayor left the reserves. But his bragging rights were assured. Candidate Buttigieg takes every opportunity to lean in on those months in Afghanistan. Questions ranging from student debt to Colin Kaepernick to gun control prompt him to reference his military stint, sometimes indignantly.

“I don’t need lessons from you on courage,” he lectured former Rep. Beto O’Rourke in an October debate, “political or personal.” Two months later he told Sen. Amy Klobuchar, “Let me tell you about my relationship to the First Amendment. It is part of the Constitution that I raised my right hand and swore to defend with my life. That is my experience, and it may not be the same as yours, but it counts, Senator, it counts.”

Debate moderators and other journalists—hardly a veteran among them—eagerly sell Mr. Buttigieg’s narrative. Debate moderators often point out that he served in Afghanistan and, if Tulsi Gabbard isn’t there, is the only veteran on the stage. When Ms. Gabbard is present, the moderators seldom mention her military experience, which dwarfs Mr. Buttigieg’s.

News of the Times;
A recent survey says 75% of men feel more confident with facial hair.

No so much with back hair.


I told my therapist that I am having suicidal thoughts.

He now makes me pay in advance.


An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.”

“Oh really”, says the landlord, “go ahead then”.

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.”

Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck”, says the landlord, “Go on, try again…”

The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar”, he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.”

“You’re talking rubbish.” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again!

Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again.

He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor”, he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”.

The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there.

“Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible”, says the landlord, “what else can you hear?”

The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while.

He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”.

The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!”

“Well then”, the old man replied. “Where’s my fucking pint?”


Don't get too carried away in celebrating the Roaring 20s. The last time we did this, they had prohibition.

Microsoft is ending support for Windows 7, so if you're still using that software, you're running out of time. Those of you still using Win95, we've officially given up on you.

If nothing else, Harry and Meghan's departure from the Royal Family has given birth to a new term: Palacelessness.

Copenhagen's "Little Mermaid" statue was vandalized with graffiti over the weekend. Someone wrote the phrase "Free Hong Kong" beneath the word, Copenhagen. More specifically, under the "c".

A Japanese billionaire is looking for a woman to fly to the Moon with him on an Elon Musk rocket. If interested, sign up for the dating app, Orbiter.

In February, you can usually catch some great furniture sales. I hear that over in Russia, President Putin is getting a new cabinet.

My unsolicited advice of the day; ignore unsolicited advice.

Queen Elizabeth II didn’t use Harry and Meghan’s titles in her post-summit statement. In fact, I believe she used the phrase, “Mr. and Mrs. Traitor.”

Scientists are working on a pill to replace exercise. Yeah, but then I’d have to get up and grab one. Isn’t there an easier way to lose weight?

It doesn’t take long to make an impression. The Wicked Witch of the West was only in The Wizard of Oz for 12 minutes.

A top secret Russian satellite has exploded in space. OK, make that a formerly top secret satellite.

A study says that parrots exhibit kindness and selfless behavior towards others…which scientists say, proves they could never be elected to congress.

Meat Loaf is suing a Dallas hotel after being injured falling from a stage. An attorney for the hotel had the best comment; “What? Meatloaf again?”

Top ways [D]emocrats could send over the next Articles of Impeachment:

Uber Impeaches

Along with an FTD ‘You've been Impeached' bouquet

As part of an Impeachment-gram


With a Domino's pizza, there in 30 minutes or less

Quote of the Times;
When you own goats you understand why celebrities worship the goat. The male goat spends all day peeing on his own face, trying to fornicate with literally anything, and yelling incoherently. It’s the celebrity spirit animal. - Benjamin

Link of the Times;

Issue of the Times;
Global Warming's 50 Years of Fraud by Jack Hellner

The theory for those pushing the green new deal or some other radical energy policy that will destroy tens of millions of jobs and greatly harm the poor and middle class is that humans, CO2, and fossil fuels cause warming and climate change. This warming causes the ice to melt in Alaska, then the melting ice causes sea levels to rise and the rising sea levels will cause coastal cities to be underwater.

They have predicted the coastal cities to disappear for the last 100 years and they have been wrong for 100 years.

Meanwhile, Alaska has been exceptionally cold for the last few months. As a nerd who knows that the people pushing the garbage theory of humans causing climate change is based on a series of lies, I look at actual data.

It is a shame most of the media, entertainers and other Democrats just repeat talking points instead of doing research.

January 2020 was the 15th coldest January on record in Fairbanks Alaska. At negative 27 degrees. it was over 13 degrees below average this year. Obviously, the ice will be thickening faster than average and is not going to be gone as predicted.

Here is a small sample of predictions and fear articles over the years:

1922-Article by AP in Washington Post and elsewhere saying icecaps were melting, oceans were dying, and coastal cities would disappear.

1970-First Earth Day. We were scared with articles that billions would die soon from catastrophic cooling.

1975-Newsweek-Doom and gloom article called “The Cooling World”

1989-Back to warming. The UN essentially repeated the warnings from 1922 article and said we only had ten years to solve the problem.

2008-ABC ran fear story saying much of Miami and New York City would be under water by 2015.

2019- The UN again repeated the same warnings from 1922 and 1989 and again we have only ten years left.

How did the Earth cool so much from 1945 to 1976 that we got warnings of catastrophic cooling if rising CO2, humans and fossil fuels cause warming? The answer is there is no correlation between CO2, population, fossil fuel use and temperature.

Humans can’t control the temperature of the sun, tilt of the sun, solar activity, distance the Earth is from the sun, daily rotation of the Earth, annual orbit of the Earth, high tides, low tides, the Jetstream, El Nino, or La Nina but we are told that if we give politicians and bureaucrats trillions of dollars they can control the sea level, temperature and sea levels forever. Does that make sense?

A clear indication that the theory that fossil fuels, rising CO2 and humans cause global warming or climate change is a hoax or a series of lies is that the globe had a significant cooling period from 1945 to 1976. It cooled so much that it was predicted on the first Earth Day in 1970 that we were having a disastrous cooling period where billions would die from starvation.

Besides being lied to for around 100 years that coastal cities would soon disappear, the public has been lied to that we were running out of oil for over 100 years. For a long time, we were told that we needed alternatives like wind and solar because of these lies. Now that it is known that there is plenty of fossil fuels to last a long time and that we are always finding more, we are told the lie that fossil fuels are causing climate change, warming and are destroying the planet.

The public has been continuously lied to that droughts are longer and more severe than ever when historical data and the number of deserts worldwide clearly shows that is not true.

We have also been told that floods are more severe and worse than ever when historical data and the fact that so much of the Earth is covered with water shows that to be demonstrably false.

How many times have we been told the lie that the warming is unprecedented when historical data shows that the Earth has gone through many long-term warming and cooling periods including several ice ages. A little ice age ended around 1850 so a little warming today would be normal.

Sea levels have always risen and fallen and according to estimates there has been only a small rise since the advent of fossil fuels but we get continuous predictions of impending disasters.

To scare the children, we repeatedly have been told that tens of thousands of species are dying out each year because of humans and fossil fuels.

They have repeatedly been told that polar bears are dying because of humans, fossil fuels and climate change when the population of polar bears has increased substantially the last seventy years and they were dying because of hunting, not climate change.

Meanwhile, the actual number of identified species, including many no one has heard of, that have gone extinct since 1900 is 477 or four per year. The truth obviously isn’t important when pushing an agenda.

Why is there so little concern by environmentalists about how much land solar and wind farms use and how much wildlife they kill?

We have been lied to that hurricane activity was going to be worse than ever after Katrina and we had a mild ten-year period. We’ve been told repeatedly the bald faced lie that we were going to have snowless winters.

As the predictions over the years have been 100% wrong the future predictions always get more extreme. We go from global warming to climate change to climate catastrophe and climate collapse and we repeatedly only have a few years left to solve the problem. The solution is always to transfer more power and money to the government along with relinquishing our freedom and way of life. The solution for almost all Democrat policies is more money and power to the government.

We have the environmentalists seeking to control CO2, a clear, innocuous non-pollutant gas while advocating for the massive use of lithium, a flammable pollutant. How will they dispose of all those flammable batteries?

As the predictions have been so wrong, journalists and other Democrats seek to shut those of us who tell the truth that the climate has always changed naturally. We are called liars, deniers, stupid and anti-science. It is the fear mongers who refuse to debate and look at actual historical scientific data.

One of the biggest frauds of all time was when East Anglia University manipulated temperature data to hide a medieval warming period. That would have exposed their lies about human caused global warming and they didn’t want their money spicket turned off. This fraud is much more detrimental to the world than anything we have ever seen.

Yet journalists and other Democrats didn’t give a damn about the fraud as they continue to hide the truth from the public because they also like the money train.

Al Gore and many others have used the lies to greatly enrich themselves. Many of the people pushing the lies ride around in private jets and live in mansions while lecturing the rest of us that we are destroying the planet.

I excuse Greta Thunberg and other young people for their ignorance on science because they have been indoctrinated and lied to for their entire lives. There is no excuse for journalists, entertainers, Michael Bloomberg, President Obama, the Clintons, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren et al for just repeating talking points in order to enrich the government and harm the rest of us.

Indoctrination is a dangerous thing and journalists have been major contributors to the indoctrination.

Democrats can’t count votes in Iowa in a reasonable time but they tell us they can control temperatures, sea levels and storm activity forever if we just hand them trillions of our hard earned dollars. Why the heck would anyone believe them?

News of the Times;
What dating app do chickens use?



Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"


DNC Offers Startup $500 Million To Develop Pencil That Can Accurately Record Election Results

WASHINGTON — Hoping the yellow, graphite-based writing instrument would allay voter doubts following the chaos of the Iowa caucuses, the Democratic National Committee reportedly offered a technology startup $500 million Tuesday to develop a pencil that can accurately record election results. “As of this morning, we have commissioned the design and manufacture of a cutting-edge tabulation device that will be able to legibly report vote totals on a sheet of paper 99% of the time,” said DNC chair Tom Perez, holding up a rough prototype of the 7.5-inch hexagonal marking implement, which will be built and rigorously stress-tested by a new Silicon Valley business venture known as Sharpen. “It may not be easy to encase a cylinder of graphite with wood or put a slick coat of glossy paint on its outside. But with this new partnership, we believe we will soon have at our disposal a pencil that is both reliable and totally resistant to any attack by foreign powers. Also, because it can be sharpened, this new delegate-reporting tool can be used repeatedly, lasting us through New Hampshire, Nevada, South Carolina, and perhaps even Super Tuesday.” At press time, sources confirmed plans for the pencil had been scrapped after election security experts warned the rubber eraser on its tip would quickly erode public trust in the product.


The 8 Oddest Ways Powerful Kings Have Died

History is filled with stories of glorious leaders who died in blazing glory during the heat of battle –But then there are the rulers who died in strange and disturbing ways. Here’s my countdown of the 8 oddest ways powerful kings had died…

#8 Roman emperor Elagabalus (d. 222) Murdered in the toilet WITH his mom?

He only ruled for 4 years, but in that short period of time he committed a variety of grotesque and debauched acts, enough to make Caligula and Commodus seem rather plain. Self-mutilation, sacrificing children demanding bowls full of children’s intestines and torture. Finally, the people revolted and sought to kill him. He was caught in the privy with his mother, who embraced him and clung tightly to him, perished with him; their heads were cut off and their bodies, after being stripped naked, were first dragged all over the city.

#7 King Alexander Of Greece killed by a monkey

He only had a short three-year reign before his untimely demise at age 27—by a monkey bite. He was walking with his dog outside the palace and was attacked by a monkey. That evening, his wounds became infected; he suffered a strong fever and septicemia set in. His doctors considered amputating his leg, but none wished to take responsibility for so drastic an act. So he died without the life-saving operation.

#6 King James II Of Scotland Killed by his own cannon

A passionate fan of artillery, James II imported cannons from Flanders and was keen to see them in action. He was standing right next to one when, instead of shooting, it exploded when he decided to stand close to and fire to impress his lady love. His thigh was cut right in half and he bled out immediately.

#5 Qin Shi Huangdi Emperor of China Murdered by immortality

In 211 BC a large meteor is said to have fallen in Dongjùn in the lower reaches of the Yellow River. On it, an unknown person inscribed the words “The First Emperor will die and his land will be divided”. When the emperor heard of this, he sent an imperial secretary to investigate this prophecy. No one would confess to the deed, so all the people living nearby were put to death. The stone was then burned and pulverized. He then ordered his physicians to make him immortal. After eating too many mercury pills, which his alchemists and physicians conjured up to make him immortal, he died.

#4 Attila the Hunn Killed by nosebleed!

During his reign, Attila was one of the most feared enemies of the Western and Eastern Roman Empires. The conventional account from Priscus says that Attila was at a feast celebrating his latest marriage, this time to the beautiful young Ildico. During the celebration, however, he suffered a severe nosebleed and choked to death in a stupor. The great Attila the Hunn choked to death on his own blood, HAH!

#3 Edward II of England Murdered by a red-hot iron up the butt

King Edward II of England was murdered in 1327 by having a red-hot iron inserted into his anus. Before his death, Edward was dethroned and imprisoned by his wife, Queen Isabella, and her lover, Roger Mortimer. Ouch!

#2 Roman Emperor Valerian (253 to 260 CE) Drinking molten gold

Persian forces took the Roman Emperor Valerian (253 to 260 CE) captive as a prisoner of war in 260 CE, with Valerian likely living several more years in captivity. The Persian ruler Shapur poured molten gold down Valerian’s throat. After Valerian’s death, Shapur skinned Valerian’s body, stuffed it with straw and displayed it as a trophy.

#1 King Charles II Of Navarre soaked in brandy and set on fire by accident

Charles was very ill, and his physician ordered him to be completely wrapped from neck to toe in linen cloth soaked in brandy. One of the doctor’s attendants was sewing up the cloth so that it would be nice and tight. When she finished, she wanted to cut the remaining thread. Since this treatment was performed at night, she didn’t want to use scissors in case she cut the king. Instead, she decided to burn off the thread with a candle. The linen was completely soaked in brandy, so when the lit wick came close, the king went up in flames. YIKES!


The Bible teaches you to love your neighbor and Kama-Sutra explains how.

Being spiritual is good for your image.

The police can do a search if it's warranted.

A dentist married a manicurist. After a month they were fighting tooth and nail.

Work when you should and play all the time.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

It's easy to spot the smart people, they're the ones listening.

Being overweight just sort off snacks up on you.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

My shoulder is killing me. It's an old "wrestling-with-life" injury.

A curved line is the loveliest distance between 2 points.

I'm a war baby, when my parents first saw me they started fighting.

Quote of the Times;
If Democrats cant run a caucus, cant run an impeachment, can’t fire an intelligence committee chair who lies constantly, how could they run healthcare. – Gingrich

Link of the Times;

Issue of the Times;
Male Trans MMA Fighter Who Beat Up Women Dubbed ‘Bravest Athlete In History’ by Matt Walsh

When Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in 1947, he was subjected to racist jeers from fans, discrimination from some of his teammates, death threats, and sometimes physical abuse. During his first year on the Brooklyn Dodgers, a player from an opposing team intentionally slid into him cleats-first, leaving a gash in his leg. This treatment was all due to the simple fact that he was a black man playing baseball. His willingness to endure heckles, taunts, and worse, while blazing a trail for other black athletes to follow, has led many people to label him the bravest athlete in sports history.

But now, according to the gay sports outlet Outsports, Robinson’s reign has come to an end. Cyd Zeigler, writing for the publication, has declared that the bravest athlete of all time, the sports figure who best embodies the virtues of courage and heroism, is a biological male who beat the hell out of a bunch of women in MMA. Zeigler gave the “trans” athlete Fallon Fox that moniker in a recent article, explaining that the professional woman-beater “is an indelible part of LGBTQ sports history” and has “opened possibilities for trans athletes in women’s sports that will be felt for generations.” Why any of this requires courage — much less the most courage of any athlete ever — is never explained.

It also isn’t explained how courage is involved when a biological male, with his testosterone and greater muscle mass and denser bone structure, fractures the skull of a female opponent and leaves her lying on the mat, concussed, and bleeding. One would think that the female opponent at least has more courage than the man who is beating her half to death.

We’re assured that it’s okay for a male to physically brutalize a female because females sometimes brutalize each other. This is how Fox himself justified it. “I’m not the first female MMA fighter who’s broken another fighter’s bones,” he said. “And people will of course, because I’m trans, hold it up as this devastating thing that couldn’t possibly happen if I weren’t trans. But there are many different examples of similar things happening.”

He’s right, of course. He’s not the first female fighter to break another fighter’s bones. Mostly because he’s not a female fighter at all. Notice here how the arbitrary sex versus gender distinction has been collapsed and disregarded. The large, muscular man with a penis and XY chromosomal structure isn’t just a woman by gender. He is, in fact, a female.

Don’t count on Zeigler to grapple with that difficulty. We are just supposed to dutifully applaud, accepting at face value whatever lame excuses and justifications are put forward. Zeigler doesn’t present actual arguments in favor of allowing men like Fox to fight women because there are no arguments available to him. It is objectively wrong on every conceivable level — morally, ethically, scientifically. A coherent defense of the practice cannot be offered, and never has been offered. The most the other side of this debate can do is make vague emotional appeals, hoping we’ll forget that the women being abused and cheated have emotions, too. But their emotions are irrelevant, we’re told. Just as science is irrelevant. Just as fairness is irrelevant. All that matters, for some reason, is how this one guy feels. And his insistence on doing what makes him feel good, at any cost, is admirable. Not just admirable, but also heroic. Not just heroic but the most heroic thing anyone has ever done or could ever do.

Heroic. Courageous. Beautiful. Keep repeating it until you believe it.

News of the Times;
Why does Norway put bar codes on all of its ships?

So they can Scandinavian.


My wife and other ladies in our parish, count church donations every Monday.

This week she came home early.

When I asked, "Why are you so early?"

She replied "Everyone showed up and we didn’t have anyone to talk about."


Q: How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?

A: When her favorite sexual position is next door.


A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.

When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital. Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!"

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried. The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.


Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

Quote of the Times;
“What is notable is that even with this record stimulus, China has kept its economy growing barely above the ‘official rate’. This tells us that the Chinese economy has reached or is very close to reaching the point of debt saturation, where households and corporations simply cannot absorb any more debt, and any new debt-issuance fails to stimulate the economy.” – Malinen

Link of the Times;

Issue of the Times;
John Kerry Claims Obama 'Never Had a Whiff of Scandal' So Let's Remind Him Of Some by Matt Margolis

A lie told often enough becomes the truth.

I keep thinking about the above quote whenever anyone claims that the Obama administration was scandal-free. How many more times are we going to hear people make this claim and see it go unchallenged?
During an interview on CNN on Friday, former Secretary of State John Kerry, who's in Iowa campaigning with Joe Biden, echoed the oft-repeated claim that the Obama-Biden administration lacked scandals.
"I believe Joe Biden is the only person who has the set of relationships around the world, who has had this unbelievable breadth of experience as chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee and then as vice president for eight years — and in an administration, by the way, which never had a whiff of scandal," Kerry said.
The claim went unchallenged.
This is the problem, absurd claims like that are made regularly by Obama loyalists and go unchallenged by the media.
I can't be silent, so once again I must list a bunch of Obama/Biden scandals so that the truth about the Obama-Biden administration's corruption doesn't get erased. Here are ten very real and very serious scandals that are far more than "a whiff."
10. The Senate seat for sale scandal
Before Obama even took office he was implicated in a scandal involving his soon-to-be-vacant Senate seat. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich had hoped to get a cabinet position or ambassadorship in exchange for appointing an Obama-backed individual to replace him in the Senate. Obama’s top choice had been Valerie Jarrett, and he offered to appoint Jarrett “in exchange for the position of Secretary of Health and Human Services in the President-elect’s cabinet,” but she eventually opted to follow Obama to the White House as his top advisor.
To sweep it under the rug, the Obama transition conducted an internal investigation to determine whether the president-elect had done anything illegal. Naturally, they claimed everything was above board. Their investigation allegedly “affirmed the public statements of the president-elect that he had no contact with the governor or his staff, and that the president-elect’s staff was not involved in inappropriate discussions with the governor or his staff over the selection of his successor as U.S. senator.” But, this claim contradicts both the criminal complaint against Blagojevich and numerous documents obtained by Judicial Watch through a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request.
9. The New Black Panther Party Voter-Intimidation Scandal
In May 2009, the government was on the verge of victory by default in 2008 voter intimidation case against the New Black Panther Party (NBPP), Attorney General Eric Holder inexplicably dropped the case in May 2009. When the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights investigated, the Obama-Biden administration refused to respond to requests from the commission and Congress and fought subpoenas. Federal attorneys were instructed not to cooperate with the investigation and then-Assistant Attorney General for Civil Rights Tom Perez (the current chairman of the Democratic National Committee) lied under oath about who was involved in the decision to drop the case. If this wasn’t a scandal, why did the Obama-Biden administration obstruct the investigation?
8. The Illegal Firing of an Inspector General to Protect A Sex Predator
Also in 2009, Barack Obama illegally fired Gerald Walpin, the Inspector General for the Corporation for National and Community Service. Walpin’s only crime was that he was investigating Obama’s friend and donor, Kevin Johnson. Johnson had misused federal grant money for AmeriCorps by funneling it to his personal nonprofit group, paying for political activity, and using it to pay hush money to underage girls he’d sexually abused. When Walpin recommended charges against Johnson, Obama, in violation of federal law, fired him. An investigation by Congress into the illegal firing was met with stonewalling by the Obama White House, and the withholding of documents. The Obama White House also deliberately misled Congress about the reasons for the firing.
How exactly does breaking the law to fire an Inspector General in order to protect someone who sexually abused underage girls not count as a scandal?
7. The Green Energy loans scandal
More than fifty clean energy companies backed by the Obama-Biden administration went bankrupt or found themselves in major financial trouble. Is that not a scandal? Tell that to the taxpayers who footed the $80 billion for their “green economy” initiatives that went to companies that supported their campaign. The most well-known example of one of these companies that went belly-up was Solyndra. Solyndra received more than a half-billion-dollar loan despite the fact the Department of Energy (DOE) knew they were on the verge of bankruptcy.
Obama can't claim ignorance on this one because he and Joe Biden were both personally involved in the decision-making process to determine who got loans. Also, only companies that donated to their campaign (or other Democrats) got these green energy loans. Worse, the Obama administration stole proprietary technology from companies that weren't picked to give it to their cronies that were.
If this wasn’t a scandal, why did the Obama administration stonewall Congress's investigation of the matter? When House Republicans subpoenaed documents for their investigation, the Obama White House fired back by claiming their request would put an "unreasonable burden on the president's ability to meet his constitutional duties." Sure.
6. The Sestak job offer scandal
Barack Obama violated at least four federal laws back in 2010 by offering then-Congressman Joe Sestak (D-Pa.) a job in his administration in exchange for not challenging Arlen Specter for the Democratic nomination for U.S. Senate. Specter had recently switched from the GOP to the Democratic Party, and that switch was contingent on support from Obama. Obama’s then-spokesman Robert Gibbs wouldn’t confirm or deny that any offer was made, but was never asked if Obama would resign after Sestak made his bombshell allegation, even after months of the Obama White House stonewalling a congressional investigation. Nor did they ask after the Obama White House finally admitted that Sestak was indeed offered a federal job to stay out of the election, but only after Sestak defeated Specter in the primary. The media was quick to accept the White House version of events, including the “everybody does it” excuse, and they accepted the White House claim that nothing improper happened. Even Republicans lost interest in pursuing the story after Sestak was defeated in the general election by Republican Pat Toomey.
5. Obstructing Dozens of Inspectors General
Obstruction of justice was the standard operating procedure in the Obama administration from day one. In August 2014, 47 of 73 inspectors general wrote an open letter to Congress informing them that the Obama administration of obstructing investigations by not giving them full access to the information they needed to investigate properly. Such a letter was unprecedented, and the systemic corruption and obstruction of the inspectors general would have been considered an impeachable offense for almost any other president.
That letter should have resulted in the appointment of a special counsel… but Attorney General Eric Holder, who famously called himself Obama’s wingman, wasn’t going to let that happen. Neither Holder or Loretta Lynch, Obama’s second attorney general, ever appointed a special counsel, despite ample times when one should have been appointed. Obama didn’t just appoint attorneys general to lead the Justice Department, he appointed protectors to keep himself from being held accountable for corruption. The lack of outrage (thanks to lack of media attention to the scandal) emboldened the Obama administration to impose new restrictions on the investigative powers of inspectors general. Can you imagine President Trump trying to get away with that today?
4. The Fast & Furious cover-up scandal
The Obama administration sent two thousand firearms across the border to trace them to drug cartels and lost hundreds of them. That's pretty darn bad. But it got a whole lot worse when a border agent was killed with one of those guns. In response to this revelation, the Obama administration stonewalled and obstructed the investigation into what happened. Attorney General Eric Holder falsely claimed to not know about the operation, and Obama personally obstructed the investigation by claiming executive privilege over documents requested by Congress. Not a scandal? Really? Attorney General Eric Holder was held in contempt of Congress in a bipartisan vote, for obstructing the investigation. What more do you need to admit this was a scandal?
3. The Benghazi attack cover-up
The terror attack at the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya, not only threatened the Obama-Biden administration narrative that they’d been crippling al-Qaeda and making progress in the War on Terror, but it also threatened their re-election. So, they lied about it. They called it a spontaneous demonstration to hide the fact it was a pre-planned terror attack and that they were grossly incapable of defending themselves from such an attack. So, when Congress investigated, the Obama-Biden administration obstructed their investigation with vigor. They attempted to excuse their obstruction by saying they were launching an internal investigation, which was a complete joke because we know how their internal investigations go. State Department employees weren't allowed to testify, and Hillary Clinton deleted thousands of subpoenaed emails. That’s called obstruction of justice.
2. The IRS scandal
Amazingly, liberals still pretend the IRS improperly targeting conservative and Tea Party groups wasn't a scandal. Lois Lerner, the former director of the IRS Exempt Organizations division at the time, admitted it happened! Not only were tea party groups improperly targeted, according to documents obtained by Judicial Watch, but the whole scheme was orchestrated out of Washington, D.C. There was also evidence of White House involvement. IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman was at the White House at least 157 times while the IRS was targeting tea party groups. Obama’s cabinet members didn’t even visit the White House that often. Some IRS employees even claimed that Obama himself requested the crackdown of tea party groups. There was certainly ample reason to suspect coordination with the White House. The IRS was also exchanging confidential taxpayer information with the White House the year Obama and Biden were re-elected.
1. The Iran Ransom scandal
A few short months after Obama had completed negotiations for the Iran Nuclear Deal, resulting in the lifting of sanctions and the unfreezing of billions in Iranian assets, the Obama administration made a shady payment to Iran of $400 million. The payment was made with foreign currency and done under the cover of night. The payment also coincided with the release of four hostages and was done completely in secret. Not even Congress knew about the payments or the hostage exchange. An investigation began, and, of course, it was met with obstruction by the Obama-Biden administration. Attorney General Loretta Lynch refused to answer questions from Congress about the payments. Details of the deal weren’t classified, but the Obama-Biden administration hid key documents at a secure site to make access difficult. If this wasn’t a scandal, why did they feel they had to hide information from Congress?

News of the Times;
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