Daily Pics, My Comic, and The Times
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the Comic
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Replace one word in an existing movie title with the word "Hitler":

There's something about Hitler.

Along came Hitler.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Hitler.

Hitler's List.

Willy Wonka and the Hitler Factory.

Hitler Alone 2: Lost in New York.

Little Hitler.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hitler.

Fifty shades of Hitler.


2 Fast, 2 Hitler.


It's a Wonderful Hitler.

A nightmare before Hitler.

Big Hitler 6.

Big Hero Hitler.

Hitler the Extra-Terrestrial.

I Heart Hitler.


Hitler does Dallas.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hitler.


A Newfie was loading cases of beer from the back of his pickup to his fishing boat.
A woman passing asked him if he’d swap some beer for sex.
He looked her up and down then said “I dunno, what kind of beer have you got?”


Heroic Veteran From Oregon Shooting Just Glad He’s Not In VA Hospital

PORTLAND, Ore. — Real-life hero and Army veteran Chris Mintz, who took seven gunshot wounds while protecting classmates at an Oregon college last week, says he considers himself truly blessed to get treatment in a civilian hospital.

“As I got in the ambulance, I kept thinking to myself, ‘Dear God, please don’t let them take me to a VA hospital. I don’t want to die waiting for treatment,'” Mintz told reporters from his bedside at Mercy Medical Center, where nurses actually check on him periodically to ask whether he needs anything, such as a blanket or a snack from the cafeteria, and bring it back to him within minutes, despite him not filling out the proper DA-7022 Form, Meal Replenishment paperwork. “When I think about my brothers and sisters in arms that started waiting for Veterans Affairs service before I was shot, and will still be in the waiting room after I’m discharged, I have flashbacks of my week-long VA eye exam.”

In recognition of Mintz’s heroism, Defense Secretary Ashton Carter offered to transfer Mintz to any active military hospital of his choice for continued care, sources confirmed. “No thanks,” Mintz reportedly said, according to an unnamed physical therapist who started working with the Army veteran almost immediately after a doctor requested his services instead of waiting for paperwork to make it through the system over a period of five to seven months. “If I can’t stay in a civilian hospital, just go ahead and drop me off at my car and I’ll drive home.”

While many have speculated about the VA’s response to Mintz’s statements, the department has so far remained silent. When reporters attempted to reach the VA for comment, they were put on hold, then after a seven-hour wait, the line was cut off.


I am most likely never going to experience what hotels are like in my hometown.

Sam Elliott's voice is the white version of Morgan Freeman's voice.

They should name selfie sticks 'narcissisticks'.

Why don't bars do a "sharp dressed man" night in addition to ladies night?

When listening to 'Uptown Funk', does anyone else imagine a young Eddie Murphy and Tom Hanks executing an over-the-top hair brained scheme just crazy enough to work?

Marshawn Lynch is kind of like the "Groot" of the NFL.

It would be fucking sick if Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar, and then didn't accept it.

In America, neighbors judge each other on the quality of their lawn. In Canada, we judge each other on how well we plow our driveways.

Hair is like those indicators on Duracell batteries. The more grey, the less energy remains.

Someone should invent a cocktail and name it "Can I get some water?"


In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honour that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time. A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said.
"Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

Issue of the Times;
One theory behind the fact that jihadists been targeting Europe instead of just America

My question is: Why are Muslims attacking Europe at all?

Well, of course, part of the answer is that, like the scorpion, jihadists attack and kill because it’s their nature. But the targets bewilder me.

It’s hard to find more Palestinian and Muslim friendly nations than in Europe. European nations loath Israel and they’ve shown themselves increasingly willing to give up their self-identities to appease the growing Muslim masses within their borders.

That last phrase “Muslim masses” is certainly part of the answer. Wherever there are growing Muslim masses, violence follows. But while America may not yet have the same percentage of Muslims as Europe, it certainly has enough Muslims to cause trouble, as we saw with the Boston Marathon bombing.

Since 9/11, though, what we’ve had instead of mass attacks have been those so-called “lone wolf” attacks, such as the one at Fort Hood or in Boston. They’re horrible, deadly assaults, but still different in nature from the fully planned attacks in Europe. In scope, what’s happening in Paris, with one major attack followed by smaller attacks all over the city is reminiscent of Mumbai, not America.

It occurred to me that one reason might be that more Americans (increasingly more Americans) are armed. Even hardened, blood-thirsty, martyr-status-seeking Muslims prefer soft targets. That thought led me to search through my emails and find the one below. I don’t know if the numbers are accurate, but I like the principle:

Some time ago, I read that the Japanese Govt in 1942 or 43 gave up any idea of trying to invade the USA because they knew that the US had hundreds of thousands of armed civilians who would instantly be part of the Army.

So here is a rough estimate of today’s civilian “army” so long as the people don’t give up their guns or allow a govt take over of all personal arms, and thus a government take over of all the states and their populations:

A blogger added up the deer license sales in just a handful of states and arrived at a striking conclusion:

There were over 600,000 hunters this season in the state of Wisconsin …. Allow me to restate that number: 600,000!

Over the last several months, Wisconsin’s hunters became the eighth largest army in the world.

(That’s more men under arms than in Iran .. More than France and Germany combined.)

These men, deployed to the woods of a single American state, Wisconsin, to hunt with firearms, And NO ONE WAS KILLED.

That number pales in comparison to the 750,000 who hunted the woods of Pennsylvania and Michigan’s 700,000 hunters, ALL OF WHOM HAVE RETURNED HOME SAFELY.

Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia and it literally establishes the fact that the Hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world.

And then add in the total number of hunters in the other 46 states. It’s millions more.

SO, what’s the point…? The point is …..

America will forever be safe from foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower!

Hunting… it’s not just a way to fill the freezer. It’s a matter of national security.

That’s why all enemies, foreign and domestic, want to see us disarmed.

Food for thought, when next we consider gun control. Overall it’s true, so if we disregard some assumptions that hunters don’t possess the same skills as soldiers, the question would still remain… What army of 2 million would want to face 30 million, 40 million, or 50 million armed citizens? For the sake of our freedom, don’t ever allow gun control or confiscation of guns.

AMERICA! Designed by geniuses!

Throw in ex-mil (those that Progressive states haven’t disarmed) and other gun-loving Americans, and you’ve got yourself a pretty formidable bulwark.

Quote of the Times;
“Generalized, near-universal sociopathy is the background condition of modernity. You can’t fuck 10 different people without breaking your ability to pair-bond. You can’t move from one neighborhood to another 10 times without breaking your ability to community-bond. The freakishness of modernity can’t be overstated. Everyone is a sociopath.”

Link of the Times;
I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious). Her and her family at the time was vegetarian, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes. I was going to call it, "The Buck Stops Here."


Army Unveils Pink Camouflage Uniform For Breast Cancer Awareness Month

THE PENTAGON — The Army unveiled a new uniform today, the result of a newly-announced partnership with the National Football League to promote Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The pink camouflage uniform, dubbed Pink Camouflage Pattern (PCP), will be made available to all soldiers within the next week.
“We’ve previously partnered with the NFL in promoting research for traumatic brain injury, and are pleased to again partner with them for another noble cause,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Army Daniel A. Dailey.
It’s not yet clear what role the pink camouflage uniforms will play in Army combat operations. The uniforms have been undergoing field testing with a Special Forces unit on a mission in Nigeria training troops to combat Boko Haram. Even though the unit’s role is limited to training and support and not direct combat, the unit has suffered 70% casualties in the first two weeks of wearing the uniform.
“It’s too early to conclude if this will be the most effective combat uniform for the Army,” said Dailey, “but I’m sure it won’t be any worse than the Universal Camouflage Pattern.”
While some have criticized the NFL for promoting breast cancer awareness as a cynical public relations stunt aimed at increasing female viewership, senior leaders are quick to dismiss such criticism.
“I don’t believe the NFL is doing this to increase ratings by attracting female viewers to their testosterone-laden gladiator sport, or to counter negative publicity from their rash of players using women as punching bags. I believe they genuinely care about women’s health issues,” said new Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley.
“As does the Army. We definitely aren’t doing this as part of a public relations campaign aimed at increasing female recruitment to a professional culture of violence that has been accused of having unequal opportunities for women and sexually assaulting women at an alarming rate. Our only aim is combatting the scourge of breast cancer.”
The NFL has also been the subject of criticism because very little of the proceeds from its pink ribbon campaign actually supports breast cancer research.
“The Army will contribute fifteen cents from every uniform sold to breast cancer research,” said Dailey. “It’s the least we can do. Literally.”


As a surprise, I bought some of those fancy new glow-in-the-dark condoms for me and my girlfriend.

Boy, you should have seen her face light up when I showed them to her.



Why are all of the a's in 'Australia' are pronounced differently?

Looking at your cell phone after sex is the new cigarette.

When self-driving cars are common place, in conjunction with the prevalence of smart phones, Google will be able to kill anyone, anywhere, while making it look like an accident.

Whenever we describe a number of anything of an amount greater or lesser than exactly one (or negative one,) we use the plural (e.g. 1.5 apples, .73 bananas, -.6 oranges)

"National Geographic" should be called "International Geographic".

The literal act of catfishing would be incredibly easy. Cats will chase and eat anything attached to the end of string.

I wonder how many rappers are just playing GTA and writing about it.

Apple headquarters in Cupertino should have been named Apple Core.


As the judge said, "Let this be a warning: Three strikes and you're out."

I was sure glad he didn't know I had an 0-2 count when I pummeled that stupid umpire with my bat.

Issue of the Times;
How Salman Khan Has Smashed 3,000 Years of Classroom Education Mythology by Gary North

Ever since the days of ancient Egypt, priesthoods of various denominations have had an alliance with the state. They trained the next generation of literate bureaucrats.

The state wanted literate bureaucrats. The priesthood wanted state support. It was a convenient alliance. It still is. In our day, the priests are priests because they are certified by the state to do the training. This is called academic accreditation. The priests are agents of the state.

All of this has rested on a myth: the myth of classroom education. In less than 10 years, the Khan Academy has undermined this myth beyond repair.

According to its website, the Khan Academy now has 26 million registered students. Registered. Not just dropping in to see videos, but actually registering.

The Khan Academy went online in 2006. This means that, in just nine years, it has grown to the largest educational institution in the history of mankind. This growth is accelerating.

One man, with no formal training as a teacher, single-handedly has taken over the education of at least 26 million students.

Think about what this means for the educational establishment. They have claimed for over a century that a teacher must have specialized training in order to become an effective teacher. He must spend years in specialized classes in state-accredited universities in order to be sufficiently competent to teach a roomful of 30 students at a time. But Khan is teaching 26 million students at a time.

It is now too late to stop him. There have been too many people who have come on board to praise the operation. There have been no major critics who have gained an audience. Nobody inside the educational establishment has been able to stop this avalanche which is rolling down the side of tenure mountain.

The videos are now being used in public schools. He is going to be training a generation of high school science students. He will add other courses soon enough.

He has proven that by paying somebody nothing, that person can become the primary teacher in 100 classrooms, 10,000 classrooms, or 100,000 classrooms. If the students can speak English, he becomes the primary teacher. He has turned the entire teaching establishment into the equivalent of teachers' aides.

What does this do to the myth of the certified teacher? What does this do to over a century of progressive education?


My father-in-law R. J. Rushdoony wrote a classic book, The Messianic Character of American Education (1963). It is a history of two dozen of the major figures in the coming of tax-funded education. He went back to the primary sources, as nobody else ever had, to show exactly how the founders of progressive education believed that the public schools would serve as an alternative to the Christian church. They saw it as redemptive institution.

Now, one man, with no financial backing initially, has undermined the entire theology of progressive education.

He is not dumbing down the material. Anybody can get online and master the material. You can watch a video 10 times. The educational establishment has nothing to do with the project, other than employing specialists in testing. There is no ideology to this program. There is no theology of redemptive state funding. The state had nothing to do with this program. It is a one-man show.

Basically, in less than one decade, one man undermined the entire theology of the progressive education movement. Critics of progressive education have come and gone, and they have had zero effect in rolling back the system. Now one man has obliterated the entire theology.

His videos have infiltrated the public schools of America. Every time a student watches one of his videos, another pillar of progressive education is knocked down. That student is being taught by someone who never went through this screening process of state licensure and certification.

In the next recession, when public school budgets come under fire again, what are the tenured bureaucrats going to say when the local school board calls for a doubling of the size of the high school classrooms, with one teacher and one low-paid teacher's assistant doing little more than taking roll? The teachers have already abdicated. What will all the graduates of the teacher institutions do then? If they teach kindergarten through fifth grade, they may have jobs, but high school teachers can forget about careers.

The myth of the tenured teacher goes back to ancient Egypt. The priests controlled the supply of literate people. This is a major source of control by priesthoods, which were always in alliance with the state. Now there is no way to control the flow of information into the households of the masses.


I have been contacted by a graduate of medical school about the possibility of creating a one-year course in the Ron Paul Curriculum on the basics of medicine. In other words, it would be an introductory course that we might call a pre-pre-med course. He is willing to do it for free, but of course we will pay him if he produces the course, and if students want to take the course. He is dedicated. He wants to get the message out. He could do it himself online if he really wanted to.

There are going to be innovators in every field who do this. The secrecy associated with ancient guilds is going to be broken.

At some point, some law school graduate who got all A's and who passed the state bar exam is going to start putting on free courses for the general public on the intricacies of the legal system. Others will imitate him. Students are going to be able to get an education that is better than most state law schools. They will be able to pass the bar. On what basis can they be stopped? Why is it necessary to go through the classroom training, if the online training is just as good, and the students can pass the bar? How will the tenured bureaucrats secure their position under these conditions?

Then it goes to medicine. Then it goes to architecture. It goes to every field.

If a student can come out of a free online curriculum on YouTube, and he can pass whatever entry exam is required, what becomes of the justification for the modern university system, which absorbs half a trillion dollars of mostly public money every year?

The myth of classroom education is dying. Classroom teachers have always insisted that you cannot learn in the context of distance learning. There has never been any statistical evidence to show this. But the tenured bureaucrats want to spread the gospel of the necessity of classroom performance. Salman Khan has single-handedly destroyed that mythology. It's basically gone. This has never happened in human history. In less than one decade, he destroyed the foundations of this myth.

This is going to undermine the state. This is going to undermine the whole state certification system. As long as free online videos train a person to pass a competitive exam, there is no justification for the public support of the infrastructure that enables people to pass the exam.

It will become clear soon enough that the whole policy of screening by means of a costly classroom is no longer valid from an educational standpoint. The classroom screeners are going to have to find another line of work. As long as any profession screens in terms of a final entrance exam, it will not matter how the person who passes the exam got the training to pass the exam. If the exam is valid as a screening device, then the entire classroom empire is an exercise in the reduction of supply of qualified candidates to pass the exam.

Anyone whose income is dependent upon the screening device of a graduate school program to reduce the supply of future competitors had better wake up and smell the coffee.

Quote of the Times;
“The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye, until we meet again.” - Hendrix

Link of the Times;

Quiche is just omelet cake.

Charlize Theron's last name always sounds like an element to me.

I can't ever read a haiku without counting out the syllables on my fingers.

If ice gets stuck in your throat, are you choking or drowning?

You should be able to double press elevator floor buttons to cancel a mistaken choice.

Water is recycled, so technically we've all showered with each other at some point or another.

North Korea is the face tattoo of countries.

Marijuana is a performance enhancing drug for competitive eaters.

A "wrap" is what you get when you ruin a burrito with healthy shit.

What if zombies don't want to eat brains, they're just telling us how to kill them?

People with 3D printers should make replacement tupperware tops and sell them.


Things change after you've been married for a while. I used to walk around the house naked and my husband would say, "Come over here, sexy."

Now it's "Hey! Please, I'm trying to eat here."


Education experts are worried that major world events like 9/11 and the war in Iraq are happening too quickly for college students to get a chance to study them properly.

But the major universities say there's no need for alarm, as they promise to continue hiring professors with no idea about what's going on in the real world anyway.


Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal,

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.


On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license.

Issue of the Times;
5 Priceless Tips I Gave My Uber Driver by Richard Lorenc

Big ideas most people don’t understand about the economy

I was in an Uber car the other day, returning from a conference. I love Uber and used it for years in Chicago before returning to my hometown, Atlanta. There are a lot of amusing exposés out there contending that the majority of Uber drivers hate their jobs and feel enslaved by corporate overlords.
Virtually every driver I encounter tells me they love working with Uber; an off-duty Uber driver once overheard me saying something about the company over lunch, and he volunteered enthusiastically that he loves his job. There was no driver rating at stake in that exchange.
I’ve had interesting discussions in Uber cars. One driver told me he had walked a young woman into the ER minutes before picking me up (he thought she had overdosed). Another driver explained how he had escaped New Orleans just hours before Katrina hit, only to return to complete destruction. And there have been quite a few who’ve told me they drive to earn money to build other businesses. Uber drivers are by definition entrepreneurs. And many see driving as a stepping-stone to something bigger.
Occasionally, Uber drivers will volunteer economic views as they relate to their business. My driver the other day — his name was Chris — even identified himself as a "free-market guy" while talking about Uber.
Naturally, this got my attention, but I decided not to spill the beans until he asked what my colleague and I do. I explained that we work for an organization called the Foundation for Economic Education, which teaches young people about the free market.
Chris is a big guy, and on hearing my words, he shook the car with laughter as we drove on the interstate.
Then he asked for tips.
"Stock tips?" I asked.
"No, big ideas that most people don't get about the economy."
I gave him those tips. I thought I would share them with you, too.

Big idea 1: Trade is win-win.
My colleagues and I teach our students that trade is win-win by saying, "Trade is made of win."
I asked Chris to imagine being a customer at Starbucks. He wants a venti café au lait so much that he's willing to part with $5 to get it. For the customer, the coffee is worth more than the money; why would else would he surrender his cash at the register? The opposite is true for the seller: $5 is worth more than the coffee. The buyer and seller exchange property rights, and each says, "thank you." (This is sometimes called the "double-thank-you phenomenon.") The transaction makes them both better off — they have created value for each other through trade.

Big idea 2: Entrepreneurs create value.
Entrepreneurs create massively greater value for society generally than they create in profits for themselves.
An estimated 98 percent of the innovators profits generated by nonfarm businesses in the United States between 1948 and 2001 were never captured directly by the individual innovators or firms. Innovators profits — or "Schumpeterian profits" —vary by industry. Apple did not fully capture the Schumpeterian profits generated by the debut of the iPhone, for example. Instead, the iPhone created entirely new business categories and lowered the consumer price of supercomputers that fit into your pocket. But Apple captured enough of its innovators profits that it has an incentive to continue to innovate — and potential competitors had an incentive to enter the market. Competition lowers prices, benefitting consumers.

Big idea 3: Everything has a cost.
This idea is the lynchpin of what we call economic thinking: that is, the application of economic concepts to help explain why people and groups make the choices they do.
Normally, we introduce this concept by calling it an opportunity cost. If all of us understood clearly how the choices we make today necessarily limit the choices available to us tomorrow, we would solve 95 percent of the problems caused by economic illiteracy.
At FEE’s seminars, many students are deciding whether to go to college. Not only is there a direct cost to college, but there is also the opportunity cost of spending time cloistered in academia when you could be launching the next Facebook. In many cases, college is worth the cost, but not in every instance.
We take pains at FEE to practice what we preach. We've gotten away from advertising that our seminars are free to attend and offer free accommodations and meals. Instead, we say they are offered at “no charge.”
After all, TANSTAAFS — there ain't no such thing as a free seminar. You have to sit and take it for three whole days. And that carries a cost.

Big idea 4: Emergent order rules.
The world we live in is the product of countless interactions among individuals, not the result of some master plan. Even if there is a plan, the traditions, mores, and informal institutions that guide behavior dominate. F.A. Hayek named this phenomenon spontaneous order, but I prefer contemporary economist Russ Roberts's term emergent order. The concept goes back to Scotland, to Adam Ferguson, and later to Adam Smith’s invisible hand metaphor.
The invisible hand, by the way, is probably one of the most misunderstood concepts in economics. It's as if those who mock it as some sort of supernatural occurrence have never heard of a metaphor, which depicts how individuals working in their own interest also create value for others.
The idea boils down to this: The world we live in is the product of human action, not human design.

Big idea 5: Markets are moral.
Finally, we have what is perhaps the most important tip of all when talking to young people: commerce makes us better people.
It civilizes us. It permits us opportunities to practice politeness with strangers. FEE’s founder, Leonard Read, captured this concept in his famous essay "I, Pencil," and Milton Friedman popularized it in the Free to Choose TV series.
The market is a process of ever-growing interconnectedness. As the market grows, our individual opportunities for specialization grow with it, and we each become wealthier through our access to goods and services we could never fathom creating ourselves. By creating value for others, we tend to become less concerned with the nationalities or races or religions or sexual orientations of those who bring to market the goods we depend on. A deal is a deal, and the more we become acclimated to making deals with those who are different from us, the closer we grow as human beings.
This last concept is vital, because students today are looking for ways to explain the world and their places in it through dimensions beyond material efficiency. Certainly, the coordination of market activities through the information conveyed by prices is superior to the commissar’s desk-bound decision-making, but advocates of economic freedom must first listen to the concerns of those undiscovered libertarians who are fundamentally idealistic and decent people, and whose only hang-up with the free market is that it sometimes appears irrational.
Why, for instance, would GM, a hallmark of American ingenuity and industry, be more valuable if it were closed? Why can't the government just give spoons to all of the unemployed so they can stay busy constructing roads? Why shouldn't fast food workers make $15 per hour? Why can't everyone have inexpensive health care?
Appealing to personal values is the gateway to economic thinking that helps to explain our complex world.

Uber redux
The Uber phenomenon represents something important happening now in the human consciousness, and millennials (people born between 1980 and 2000, roughly) may be noticing it the most.
Individuals are now free to exchange goods and services with each other around the world. They are able to take innovations such as the concept of ride sharing and the proliferation of apps to use otherwise unproductive capital — their cars — to serve others.
This is great news for our world as millennials begin to assume positions of influence and leadership and are now beginning to see a real choice between the philosophy of control versus the philosophy of freedom.

Quote of the Times;
“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” - Heinlein

Link of the Times;
Best Fan Theories

The Joker does have a superpower

The Joker in the batman universe does have a superpower. No one could pull off half the random things Joker does unassisted, all the near deaths, convoluted plots and inevitable escape attempts, impossible without some other force at work. But really, it’s his name that gives it away. He has got a power any comedian, class clown or joker would kill for.
He has a supernaturally good sense of timing.
That’s why all his schemes can work and why the only times he gets caught are when he can safely get away later. Because even if he’s unaware that he’s doing it, he’s always in the right place at the right time. Joker probably isn’t aware he even has this power, but it’s part of the reason he never gets over his insanity. Because everything always works out for him, he’s never confronted with facing reality aside from the chaos he creates.

Bender wasn’t a criminal until he met Fry

When we first meet Bender, he’s ready to commit suicide because he found out he was helping to make suicide booths. This doesn’t tally with the Bender that we get to know throughout the course of the series. In fact, nothing he says before they run from Leela in the first series suggests that he’s nearly as bad as the Bender we love.
When they try and escape from Leela in the head museum, Bender gets shocked via an old light fitting. Maybe in doing so, it caused Bender to reboot. In the penguin episode, we see that Bender resets into a mode relevant to his surroundings. He sees penguins, he boots into penguin mode. Therefore, since he rebooted in the hall of criminals, the first thing he sees is the heads of famous criminals, and therefore reboots into the lovable but highly-illegal rogue.

Snape’s first words to Harry

In Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, the first thing Snape asks Harry in Potions class is, “Potter! What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?”
According to the Victorian Language of Flowers, asphodel is a type of lily meaning ‘my regrets follow you to the grave,’ and wormwoood means ‘absence’ and symbolizes bitter sorrow. The entire question has a hidden meaning of “I bitterly regret Lily’s death.”

Robin is a potential weapon against his own mentor

What Batman fears more than anything is turning evil. He is perfectly aware he is capable of doing so, and just about no-one would be able to stop him if he was a villain.
But what if there was a person who knew his fighting style and weaponry inside out and back to front? What if there was another person with his skill and similar life experiences, yet far more young and optimistic than Batman?
Robin is the one who will take Batman down if he goes rogue, as he is not just a protégé, but Batman’s planned countermeasure for a set of circumstances that may never arise.

Spongebob is a tampon

If you think about the facts it all kind of pieces together. Spongebob is a super absorbent sponge like product. He lives in a place called bikini bottom. He is on the other side of town to a girl named sandy cheeks. He works in the krusty krab with squidward an anamorphic squid that looks strangely enough like a giant penis. Squidward likes to avoid run-ins with spongebob whenever possible. Squidward thinks that he is good at something despite the fact that we all know that he isn’t no matter how hard he practices in his home by himself. Patrick is maybe a tattoo that gets viewed a lot. Plankton is an insecure little thing with one eye who is married to a computer and is envious of what the krusty krab has and wishes to have it to himself, or at least the ingredients on how to make one, aka: a pervert.

Single Tarantino Universe

So now you know why Christoph Waltz stopped practicing dentistry in Django.
It is well known that all of Tarantino’s films take place in the same universe. This is established by the fact that Mr. Blonde (Reservoir Dogs) and Vincent Vega (Pulp Fiction) are brothers, everybody in his movies smoke Red Apple cigarettes, Mr. White (Reservoir Dogs) worked with Alabama from True Romance.
As it turns out, Donny Donowitz, ‘The Bear Jew’ (Inglourious Basterds), is the father of movie producer Lee Donowitz from True Romance, which means that, in Tarantino’s universe, everybody grew up learning about how a bunch of commando Jews machine gunned Hitler to death in a burning movie theater, as opposed to quietly killing himself in a bunker.
Because World War 2 ended in a movie theater, everybody lends greater significance to pop culture, hence why seemingly everybody has great level of knowledge in movies and TV. Likewise, because America won World War 2 in one concentrated act of hyperviolent slaughter, Americans as a whole are more desensitized to that sort of thing. Hence why Butch (Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction) is unfazed by killing two people, Mr. White and Mr. Pink (Reservoir Dogs) take a pragmatic approach to killing in their line of work, Esmeralda (Pulp Fiction) the cab driver is obsessed with death, etc.
You can extrapolate this further when you realize that Tarantino’s movies are technically two universes. He has gone on record saying that Kill Bill and From Dusk ‘Til Dawn take place in a ‘movie movie universe’; that is, they’re movies that characters from the Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, True Romance, and Death Proof universe would go to see in theaters.
Basically, it turns every Tarantino movie into alternate reality sci fi.

Everyone in the Simpsons family is a genius

Everyone in the Simpson family is a genius, but Lisa is the only one who embraces it.
Grandpa may be senile now but his flash backs show him doing a number of things that require a variety of skills such as being a fighter pilot and an accomplished pianist, that suggests that he has at least an above average intelligence. Marge was an excellent student but choose a life as a house wife because it is what made her happy. This is important because everyone besides Lisa chooses happiness over intelligence.
Homer would be one of the smartest men to ever live except for the crayon he had lodged in his brain at an early age. When the crayon was briefly removed, he becomes a genius, doing such things as proving god doesn’t exist, but he put it back in order to avoid ostracism from his friends and community. Unlike Marge his choice is more serious; miserable but a genius or happy but a moron?
Bart essentially makes the same decision as his father but at a much younger age and without having to alter his brain. In one episode he is shown to have been incredibly gifted when he was younger but his grades steadily declined. Why? That episode would have you believe it was the “Simpson gene” which makes male Simpsons idiots. But the removal of the crayon from Homer’s brain and his boost in intelligence proves that to be wrong. Instead Bart witnessed that despite his father’s many faults and crippling stupidity he is happy. This was proof for him that ignorance is indeed bliss. He decides to follow his father’s path but his intelligence leaks through on several occasions when it comes to pranks, which are original and clever. Yet his denial of his intelligence stops him from succeeding at school even when he wants to, and he torments Lisa because he feels bad for her and wants her to make the same decision he did.
Lisa only reinforces his decision because of how unhappy she is. Her intelligence will never bring her happiness. She is by far the saddest and mopiest character but for better or worse has decided to stick it out.
Maggie, being an infant, has not been forced to make this decision yet but seems as intelligent as the rest of her family, one time rescuing Homer from a crazed tow truck driver. She will have to make the same choice with two examples, her brother and sister, to guide her.

Jack was a Time Traveler

Jack, from Titanic, was a time traveler, that was only there to save Rose from committing suicide and altering the timeline. If Rose jumped to her demise, then the ship would have had to stop to look for her. The temporary delay would have lead to warmer weather and the Titanic never would have hit the ice burg. This is also why Jack spent so much time with Rose, it was his job to ensure her survival.
Let’s look at the evidence. Jack doesn’t have any money from this time period, so he has to gamble in order to get the ticket in the first place. He mentions fishing in Lake Wissota, which is a man made lake, created in 1917, 5 years after the Titanic sank. His haircut seemed completely out of place for the era, furthermore, that rucksack wasn’t common till the late 30’s. He claims he will take Rose on a roller coaster on the Santa Monica pier which wouldn’t be built till 1916. How else would he have knowledge of all these things?



Because of my dog, I flinch every time I hear a doorbell on TV.

Does "do not touch" exist in Braille?

Tinder should make an app for people to find platonic relationships and call it Friender

The funniest joke for me might be hidden behind a different language that I will never learn

If alternate universes exist, wouldn't a universe exist where they have destroyed all the other alternate universes?

The opposite of SpongeBob SquarePants is TowelWeave CircleShorts

If an illegal immigrant had a fight with a child predator, would that be Alien vs Predator?

Identical twins are probably the only people who will see their own dead bodies

How important does a person have to be for their murder to be called an assassination?

Life is just one big freemium game. Everyone gets a chance to play, but unless you have money, your experience is extremely limited.

When you're deaf, every video is a GIF.

Yoga pants are like billboards for teenage boys.

The reason why Apple updates aren't called iPatches is that it would inspire to piracy

I bet ventriloquists can respond perfectly when the dentist ask them questions while cleaning their teeth


Marine In Japan Regrets Confusing ‘Kabuki’ With ‘Bukakke’

CAMP SMEDLEY D. BUTLER, Okinawa — Lance Corporal Timothy Braithwaite and his wife, Melanie, were dismayed last weekend to discover that they had confused the word “kabuki” and the word “bukakke,” leading them to attend a show very different from the one they’d meant to see.

“It was pretty awful,” said Braithwaite. “Melanie and I haven’t been here long, haven’t gotten out to see the sights since I signed in last month. So now that we’re all settled and I’m in a nice predictable schedule at work, I wanted to take advantage of being stationed here. So I got tickets to this show from my staff sergeant, but must have got my terms mixed up.”

The Marine and his wife ended up sitting through a show which made them very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, when they tried to return the tickets for a refund, the establishment refused. The budget-conscious couple decided to return to the show and try to enjoy it rather than waste the money.

Soon they found themselves witnessing a wild, loud and frenetic display rarely seen back home in America, outside of internet videos and little-known parlors in immigrant quarters of large cities.

“There was all this noise, yelling and grunting at whatnot,” Mrs. Braithwaite said. “It was hard to follow exactly since I only speak English, but I got the general idea. Ladies and men were wearing elaborate costumes that they tore off without warning, the music only served to make it more alien. There was, ah, stuff … flying all around.

She said some members of the audience got involved, contributing and even helping. And even the audience members that weren’t “part of the, ah, proceedings got pretty rowdy.”

Braithwaite and his wife were mildly traumatized by the mix-up, but don’t intend to let one bad experience ruin an exotic foreign posting for them. They already have plans for more outings in the near future, including an attempt to attend the show they meant to see last weekend.


Sometimes when I'm in a difficult situation I ask, "What Would Jesus Do?"

And always a little voice inside me answers, "Well, he probably wouldn't try to cram *another* corpse into the crawl-space, moron."


The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History

Attila the Hun

One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila’s army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD-from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire-by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.

How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night.In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

Tycho Brahe

An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.

How he died: Didn’t get to the bathroom in time. In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition-but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

Horace Wells

Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s

How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide. While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he’d gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He’d anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

Francis Bacon

One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare’s plays.

How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.


A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.

How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus’ head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

Jim Fixx

Author of the best selling “Complete Book of Running,” which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.

How he died: A heart attack….while jogging Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He’d only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked….and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.

Issue of the Times;
Goodbye Middle Class by Michael Snyder

51 Percent Of All American Workers Make Less Than 30,000 Dollars A Year

We just got more evidence that the middle class in America is dying. According to brand new numbers that were just released by the Social Security Administration, 51 percent of all workers in the United States make less than $30,000 a year. Let that number sink in for a moment. You can’t support a middle class family in America today on just $2,500 a month – especially after taxes are taken out. And yet more than half of all workers in this country make less than that each month. In order to have a thriving middle class, you have got to have an economy that produces lots of middle class jobs, and that simply is not happening in America today.

You can find the report that the Social Security Administration just released right here. The following are some of the numbers that really stood out for me…

-38 percent of all American workers made less than $20,000 last year.
-51 percent of all American workers made less than $30,000 last year.
-62 percent of all American workers made less than $40,000 last year.
-71 percent of all American workers made less than $50,000 last year.

That first number is truly staggering. The federal poverty level for a family of five is $28,410, and yet almost 40 percent of all American workers do not even bring in $20,000 a year.

If you worked a full-time job at $10 an hour all year long with two weeks off, you would make approximately $20,000. This should tell you something about the quality of the jobs that our economy is producing at this point.

And of course the numbers above are only for those that are actually working. As I discussed just recently, there are 7.9 million working age Americans that are “officially unemployed” right now and another 94.7 million working age Americans that are considered to be “not in the labor force”. When you add those two numbers together, you get a grand total of 102.6 million working age Americans that do not have a job right now.

So many people that I know are barely scraping by right now. Many families have to fight tooth and nail just to make it from month to month, and there are lots of Americans that find themselves sinking deeper and deeper into debt.

If you can believe it, about a quarter of the country actually has a negative net worth right now.

What that means is that if you have no debt and you also have ten dollars in your pocket that gives you a greater net worth than about 25 percent of the entire country. The following comes from a recent piece by Simon Black…

Credit Suisse estimates that 25% of Americans are in this situation of having a negative net-worth.
“If you’ve no debts and have $10 in your pocket you have more wealth than 25% of Americans. More than 25% of Americans have collectively that is.”
The thing is– not only did the government create the incentives, but they set the standard.
With a net worth of negative $60 trillion, US citizens are just following dutifully in the government’s footsteps.

As a nation we are flat broke and most of us are living paycheck to paycheck. It has been estimated that it takes approximately $50,000 a year to support a middle class lifestyle for a family of four in the U.S. today, and so the fact that 71 percent of all workers make less than that amount shows how difficult it is for families that try to get by with just a single breadwinner.

Needless to say, a tremendous squeeze has been put on the middle class. In many families, both the husband and the wife are working as hard as they can, but it is still not enough. With each passing day, more Americans are losing their spots in the middle class and this has pushed government dependence to an all-time high. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 49 percent of all Americans now live in a home that receives money from the government each month.

Sadly, the trends that are destroying the middle class in America just continue to accelerate.

With a huge assist from the Republican leadership in Congress, Barack Obama recently completed negotiations on the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Also known as Obamatrade, this insidious new treaty is going to cover nations that collectively account for 40 percent of global GDP. Just like NAFTA, this treaty will result in the loss of thousands of businesses and millions of good paying American jobs. Let us hope and pray that Congress somehow votes it down.

Another thing that is working against the middle class is the fact that technology is increasingly taking over our jobs. With each passing year, it becomes cheaper and more efficient to have computers, robots and machines do things that humans once did.

Eventually, there will be very few things that humans will be able to do more cheaply and more efficiently than computers, robots and machines. How will most of us make a living when that happens?…

The robopocalypse for workers may be inevitable. In this vision of the future, super-smart machines will best humans in pretty much every task. A few of us will own the machines, a few will work a bit… while the rest will live off a government-provided income…the most common job in most U.S. states probably will no longer be truck driver.

For decades, we have been training our young people to have the goal of “getting a job” once they get out into the real world. But in America today there are not nearly enough good jobs to go around, and this crisis is only going to accelerate as we move into the future.

I do not believe that it is wise to pin your future on a corporation that could replace you with a foreign worker or a machine the moment that it becomes expedient to do so. We need to start thinking differently, because the paradigms that worked in the past are fundamentally breaking down.

Quote of the Times;
The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants. – Camus

Link of the Times;
It's back to court again this week.

Oh joy.

I was thinking the lawyer could get me off on an insanity plea.

It worked.

When I saw his bill I went insane.


Syrian Teen Builds Clock, Beheaded For Witchcraft

DAYR AL-ZAWR, Syria — Syrian teenager Sami Halaseh was beheaded for witchcraft yesterday after he built a clock and and brought it into his bomb-making school, according to The Syrian Observatory for Human Rights.
The 9th grader at former Ali Ibrahim Mohammad Secondary Madrasa was accused and convicted of creating a digital clock from a U.S. Meal Ready to Eat (MRE) box at his English-speaking jihadi academy, sources said.
Witnesses — who did not wish to be identified — claimed that that it was a simple but unfortunate misunderstanding after the “jihadi prodigy” brought a revolutionary new IED to school — an invention he called a “time-bomb.” Sources report that Halaseh had been working on it since the U.S. Air Force over-shot a Sinjar Mountain resupply drop by over 250 miles last year.
“They immediately reacted as if it were a clock,” one source said. “He just kept saying: ‘It’s not a clock. It’s a bomb!’ But they didn’t believe him.”
Instructors originally grew suspicious after Halaseh did not publicly denounce the “whiz-kid” title his classmates bestowed upon him in their “Basic IED” class. For his tacit usurpation of Allah’s rightful authority as “the one, true God,” instructors imprisoned Halaseh for his insolence. It was at the end of many torture sessions instructors finally analyzed the otherworldly device, and noticed numbers moving sequentially, when they assumed the worst.
“Even when they hung him from the ceiling and beat him with broomsticks, he was adamant that it was a bomb all the way until the end,” the source said.
The Islamic State, which beheaded four other heretics for witchcraft earlier this summer, officially stated that they will not tolerate any device that attempts to understand or quantify the will of Allah, even if it means measuring the span of events or periods between them.
“Unless it somehow furthers our interest of crushing the Zionist state of Israel or the Western devils of the United States, the Islamic State views all deviations from jihadism, whether of an artistic, technological, or scientific nature, as the highest form of apostasy,” said ISIS spokesman Jussain Al Zahabi. “We draw a literal and figurative line in the sand when it comes to individuals under ISIS rule ‘trying to play God.'”
“Except Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi,” said Al Zahabi. “He gets to do whatever he wants.”
In related news, Al-Baghdadi expressed his sincere condolences via Twitter after 35 ISIS fighters were killed in the jihadi teacher’s lounge when Halaseh’s clock detonated as scheduled.


Customer: There's something wrong with my dog. Every time the doorbell rings he runs and sits in the corner.

Veterinarian: That's normal, he's a boxer.


There is no "i" in team.

There is however an "i" in 'win', 'achievement', 'prevail', 'triumph', 'first place', 'gold medalist' and 'champion'.


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
Came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'96,' she replied: 'Two years younger than me'
'So you're 98,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Not hardly worth going home, is it?'

Issue of the Times;
The Gruesome Story of a Murdered Tennessee Couple You May Have Never Heard: But That You Will Never Forget by Jason Howerton

After a radio caller made him aware of the extremely disturbing story of Christopher Newsom and Channon Christian in Knoxville, Tenn., Glenn Beck researched the case and was horrified at what he found. Though the details are hard to hear, Beck told the couple’s story in excruciating detail during his show on TheBlaze TV Tuesday. The killings occurred in 2007; however, Beck says the media failed to give the case adequate coverage due to special interests or negligence.

On January 6, 2007, the couple made plans to watch a movie at a friend’s apartment, but they never made it. They would never be seen alive again. When Christian didn’t show up for work the next morning, family members immediately grew worried and reported them missing, Beck explained.

“It turns out that the couple had made it to dinner, but when they arrived at the apartment complex where Christian’s best friends lived, they were carjacked by multiple assailants,” he said. “What followed was one of the most heinous, gruesome, senseless hate crimes, ever.”

It was at this point in the program that Beck advised parents to have their children leave the room or pause the show and watch it at a later time due to the graphic details of the story.

Newsom was gagged with a sock in his mouth, his ankles were bound with his own belt, his hands were tied behind his back, his face was covered with a bandana and his head covered with a sweatshirt that his five assailants had tied around his neck with shoestrings. He was then violently raped with an object and beaten.

“One can only imagine the horror Christopher experienced as he was then forced to walk barefoot to the nearby railroad tracks, where he was shot in the neck in the back,” Beck said solemnly. “But the shots didn’t kill him — he fell to the ground and was paralyzed.”

“That’s when the assailants stood over him, placed the gun against his head and fired, killing him execution style,” he added. Newsom was shot a total of three times.
But not even that was enough. The attackers then poured gasoline on his body and set him on fire.

Unfortunately, the horror of this tragic story is not over. Beck went on to speak of what also happened to Christian on that night.

The woman was forced into a back room of the house where she was hog-tied with a strips of fabric from a bedding set. She was brutally raped “in every possible way imaginable” for several hours as the assailants beat her viciously with several objects, including a broken chair leg.

By the time Christian was taken into the living room, the five attackers realized they had left their DNA on their victim. In an attempt to cover their tracks, they poured bleach down her throat and on her body before they wrapped her body in black garbage bags and covered her head in a plastic grocery bag.

“She was then placed in a garbage can in the kitchen of the house — all of this while she was still alive,” Beck noted.

“Channon Christian’s last minutes on earth were spent slowly suffocating in a garbage can after she had been savagely beaten and raped for hours,” he added.

Beck slammed “so-called” civil rights leaders Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson for failing to demand justice in the brutal case. He criticized the media just as harshly for failing to give the story the coverage it deserved.

Meanwhile, the pursuit of justice for the family of the victims has also been elusive.

All five suspects in the case had been charged and convicted for the crime when it was discovered that the judge had a drug addiction, allowing the killers to take advantage of the justice system. “All but one has been repeatedly pursuing retrials and appeals,” Beck explained. “The lone female attacker had her sentence reduced by a third.”

Beck continued: “This miscarriage of justice is forcing the family to live this horror over and over and over again each time they are dragged back into a court battle.”

Real “social justice,” the host added, will only be achieved when justice is truly blind.

The five attackers are Lemaricus Davidson, Letalvis Cobbins, George Thomas, Vanessa Coleman and Eric Boyd. All of the previous state convictions, except for Coleman’s, were allowed to stand and the defendants remain in prison pending appeals. Coleman had her sentence reduced by a third after a retrial.

Quote of the Times;
"How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries! Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog, there is this fearful fatalistic apathy. The effects are apparent in many countries, improvident habits, slovenly systems of agriculture, sluggish methods of commerce, and insecurity of property exist wherever the followers of the Prophet rule or live. A degraded sensualism deprives this life of its grace and refinement, the next of its dignity and sanctity. The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property, either as a child, a wife, or a concubine, must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men. Individual Moslems may show splendid qualities, but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it. No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith. It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science, the science against which it had vainly struggled, the civilization of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilization of ancient Rome." - Churchill

Link of the Times;
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Several animals were savagely beaten in the making of this page, including but not limited to; kittens, rabbits, zebu, skunks, puppies, and platypus. Also several monkeys where force fed crack to improve their typing skills.

And someone shot a duck.

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