I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend…
Is the definition of 'OLD'!
Someone coined the term, "coined the term".
If you think about it, Wolverine is a girls' name.
Compare a man to a horse and it's a compliment, compare a woman to a horse and it's an insult.
Blowjobs are oral contraceptives.
What if the human brain had its own black box which you could retrieve after death and playback that person's final thoughts.
If someone has a tattoo of a cross and is turned into a vampire what would happen?
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
If a Satanist is angry at someone, do they tell them to go to heaven or hell?
Netflix should have a random button.
The new 'CD skip' is when the stream cuts out for a second.
Imagining what it must have been like to watch Alien (1979) for the first time and not knowing the chest bursting scene was coming up.
What do you get the man who has everything? Shelves.
Morning woods are just like bike stands so you don't roll off the bed.
They should have "EveningQuil" for when it’s too late for "DayQuil" but too early for "NyQuil".
They should have called DeflateGate the Patriot Act.
When ducks "put their money where their mouths are", they're paying their bills.
Everyone is immortal, until proven otherwise
Taking a hot bath is like making people tea.
Loot Crate should have a porn and sex toy subscription service called "Master-Crate".
Prostitutes and gigalos should collectively be referred to as "lay people.
Lockheed Upbeat Despite F-35 Losing Dogfight To Red Baron
BETHESDA, Md. — A spokesman for Lockheed Martin today denied that there is any reason to be alarmed about possible shortcomings of the military’s newest and most expensive fighter plane after reports surfaced this weekend that an F-35, piloted by a crack Air Force fighter pilot, lost a mock dogfight with a Fokker Dr.I Triplane similar to the aircraft once piloted by World War I German Ace Manfred von Richtofen, the “Red Baron,” piloted by a World War I reenactor.
“The F-35 isn’t really meant for that kind of fighting,” said Lance McCory, a Lockheed spokesman. “We intend it to be a first-rate mulitrole attack aircraft, and to excel at long-range fighting, what we call BVR, or ‘Beyond Visual Range’ air combat. Not to worry about some Hun who’s been dead a hundred years. Frankly, the two aircraft involved in this battle represent two different philosophies of air combat.”
The Fokker Dr.I Triplane, made of wood and doped linen, entered service with the German Army Air service in 1917. It was famous for its considerable maneuverability and its high rate of climb. The pilot sat in an open cockpit, exposed to the weather, and had primitive controls by today’s standards.
McCory went on to add, “The Dr.I triplane might out climb, out turn, and out dive the F-35, but where is its radar, huh? Where are its sensors? Where is the laser terrain guidance? Huh? Sure, up close, in a knife fight, the Dr.I has machine guns, and an F-35 pilot just has his sidearm. And [the Dr.I’s] cloth wings are nearly invisible to radar. But we have ‘the world’s most advanced fighter jet.'”
Capt. A.J. Schrag, an Air Combat Command spokesman, said “There’s no way to adapt the [Dr.I] airframe to carry the required missiles and radar. It might be good in a dogfight, but not standing off for close air support, and it’s completely hopeless when it comes to engaging targets in a BVR-type air battle.”
Meanwhile, according to a source close to the recent dogfight, the F-35 “turns like a garbage truck. It might be faster than the triplane, but that doesn’t matter in a stall fight.”
Lockheed officials have separately downplayed reports that the same F-35, flown by the same pilot, previously lost mock dogfights with the Goodyear Blimp and a beagle on a flying doghouse.
Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Mark A. Welsh III declined comment through a spokesman, saying only, “Curse you, Red Baron!”
Amazon is going to open it's first-ever brick and mortar store in New York City. I suppose if it makes it there.
Disney says it will invest $1.3 billion into Disneyland Paris to deal with complaints of poor maintenance, lousy food and mediocre attractions. If it were me, the first thing I'd fix would be "It's a rude world after all."
A survey found that more than half of Americans see President Obama's time in office as a failure. And that's just among the fence-hoppers!
A new report claims gasoline prices in California could fall as much as thirty cents a gallon by Christmas. Yes, that's what you're getting this year.
Its fall in Seattle... or, as we call it, "the rinse cycle."
When I first heard Buffalo had fire their coach, I thought it was the Bills. It turns out it was the University of Buffalo. Then I heard they fired him after their loss last weekend to Eastern Michigan and then it made me think it was the Bills again.
The deer population on New York's Staten Island has gone from 24 to over 600 in just six years. Well, it's not like they have a TV to watch...
According to a new study, humans would only last 68 days if they tried to live on Mars. That is, until that new Starbucks goes in...
The stock market keeps falling. Then again, it is fall.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Issue of the Times;
Historical Truth by Walter E. Williams
We call the war of 1861 the Civil War. But is that right? A civil war is a struggle between two or more entities trying to take over the central government. Confederate President Jefferson Davis no more sought to take over Washington, D.C., than George Washington sought to take over London in 1776. Both wars, those of 1776 and 1861, were wars of independence. Such a recognition does not require one to sanction the horrors of slavery. We might ask, How much of the war was about slavery?
Was President Abraham Lincoln really for outlawing slavery? Let’s look at his words. In an 1858 letter, Lincoln said, “I have declared a thousand times, and now repeat that, in my opinion neither the General Government, nor any other power outside of the slave states, can constitutionally or rightfully interfere with slaves or slavery where it already exists.” In a Springfield, Illinois, speech, he explained: “My declarations upon this subject of Negroslavery may be misrepresented but cannot be misunderstood. I have said that I do not understand the Declaration (of Independence) to mean that all men were created equal in all respects.” Debating Sen. Stephen Douglas, Lincoln said, “I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of Negroes nor of qualifying them to hold office nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races, which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality.”
What about Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation? Here are his words: “I view the matter (of slaves’ emancipation) as a practical war measure, to be decided upon according to the advantages or disadvantages it may offer to the suppression of the rebellion.” He also wrote: “I will also concede that emancipation would help us in Europe, and convince them that we are incited by something more than ambition.” When Lincoln first drafted the proclamation, war was going badly for the Union.
London and Paris were considering recognizing the Confederacy and assisting it in its war against the Union.
The Emancipation Proclamation was not a universal declaration. It specifically detailed where slaves were to be freed: only in those states “in rebellion against the United States.” Slaves remained slaves in states not in rebellion — such as Kentucky, Maryland, Delaware and Missouri. The hypocrisy of the Emancipation Proclamation came in for heavy criticism. Lincoln’s own secretary of state, William Seward, sarcastically said, “We show our sympathy with slavery by emancipating slaves where we cannot reach them and holding them in bondage where we can set them free.”
Lincoln did articulate a view of secession that would have been heartily endorsed by the Confederacy: “Any people anywhere, being inclined and having the power, have the right to rise up and shake off the existing government and form a new one that suits them better. … Nor is this right confined to cases in which the whole people of an existing government may choose to exercise it. Any portion of such people that can may revolutionize and make their own of so much of the territory as they inhabit.” Lincoln expressed that view in an 1848 speech in the U.S. House of Representatives, supporting the war with Mexico and the secession of Texas.
Why didn’t Lincoln share the same feelings about Southern secession? Following the money might help with an answer. Throughout most of our nation’s history, the only sources of federal revenue were excise taxes and tariffs. During the 1850s, tariffs amounted to 90 percent of federal revenue. Southern ports paid 75 percent of tariffs in 1859. What “responsible” politician would let that much revenue go?
Quote of the Times;
“Leftoids know, even if they won’t admit it now while the taboo is still powerful, that absent no-nonsense authority figures to stop them from indulging their worst instincts they will eventually find their way to pedophilia nonjudgmentalism.” - Chateau Heartiste
Link of the Times;